Big news for the Oscars on the cusp of the 84th Academy Awards. Not only is Kodak, in the face of bankruptcy, looking to pull their name from the Oscars’ theater, but the Academy is currently perusing other locations for a possible venue switch.

Though details of the agreement between the Academy and Kodak Theater owner CIM aren’t public, it’s been leaked that there is an opt-out clause that can be exercised by the Academy that allows them to set up shop elsewhere.

The front-runner right now is the Nokia Theater in downtown Los Angeles in the L.A. Live complex adjacent to Staples Center. The Emmy’s take place there, and it’s slightly newer than the Kodak Theater. BORING. If you’re going to have the Oscars in L.A., have them in Hollywood. Few people know that Hollywood is mostly suit outlets and weird stores that sell bongs and ninja swords. If the Oscars leave town, then Hollywood will ONLY consist of suit outlets and ninja sword/bong stores.

That said, we need to find some suitable venues to host the Oscars. I don’t really think they should leave Hollywood, but if they do, I want it to be on my terms. Who am I to dictate such things? I’m a guy with a website, godammit.

Here are my suggestions.

Oakland Coliseum

The Oscars are perhaps the most exclusive awards show (or possibly even event) in America. That’s a very nice designation to have, by isn’t it time to get more egalitarian with the production and allow more movie fans to attend? Like, 77,000 more? If you think it’s going to be difficult to sell all those tickets, there’s a built-in market: Oakland Raiders season ticket holders. Get them on board, and you’ll have no problem filling the space. Plus, the ceremony is still in California, so wrangling up the stars should be no problem at all.

And you know how critics are always saying the Oscars telecast doesn’t feature enough convicted felons in the audience? The participation of Oakland Raiders fans will silence them as well.

This is my first choice.

A Giant Chuck. E. Cheese Built Just For The Oscars

The nice thing about this option (besides the fact that it has the Oscars taking place in a sweet Chuck E. Cheese) is that the sponsorship convention is already built in. The lauded Oscars and a funtime pizza parlor whose fictional proprietor is a giant anthropomorphic rat would experience obvious synergies. Wouldn’t you like to see Helen Mirren do her backstage press conference in a ball pit? If one of Sean Penn’s painfully preachy speeches goes on too long, wouldn’t it be nice to see him played off by this band instead of some anonymous symphony?:

The answer is yes.

Alternating Annually Between Kate Winslet’s, Meryl Streep’s, and Daniel Day Lewis’ Houses

I mean, they’re the ones who get to enjoy the Oscars more than anyone else, considering they’ve got 27 Oscars nominations between them. Besides, I’ve heard that Day-Lewis has DirecTV and he has a futon in case anyone gets too wasted and can’t drive.

These stars get so much glory from the Academy, it would be nice to see them give something back by hosting. It would include a Cribs-type element to lure in younger viewers as well. Is it true that Meryl Streep’s “boom-boom room” has a stripper bowl and a sex swing? Tune in on Oscar Sunday to find out!

Outside In The Park If It’s A Nice Day

While the stars that come out to shine for the Academy Awards certainly are accustomed to first-class treatment, they’re not too jaded to enjoy a nice southern California day. Maybe Academy President Tom Sherak could arrange a meeting place somewhere centrally located to all the attendees’ houses, and then they could all carpool to the park and find a nice shady patch where everyone could sit Indian-style for the duration of the telecast. Better yet, maybe Jude Law could get their early and reserve a spot? And maybe if it’s not too much trouble, Frances McDormand could bring trash bags?

If it rains, the Oscars could be held in a nearby rec center or possibly cancelled altogether.

The San Diego Zoo!!!

I love the Oscars, and everyone else I know that loves the Oscars also loves animals! So why not combine a delightful event with a delightful venue? I mean, the penguins are already all dressed up with no place to go. They could be seat fillers! That would be hysterical!

Also, who wouldn’t want to see George Clooney flanked by a big old Baboon?

Perhaps Jim Carrey or Ben Stiller could tuck there arms inside their tuxedo jackets and be all, “A lion ate my arm on the red carpet!”

It’s absolutely crucial though, that they immediately let the audience and zoo officials know that they were joking, as San Diego has a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to animals hurting humans. Nothing would mar the Academy Awards more than the slaughter of an innocent lion during the telecast.

Perhaps It Could Be Done Virutally, In A Chat Room?

Apologies. This is a logistical nightmare. Never mind. Hugh Jackman’s uh-mazing song and dance numbers aren’t done justice via the written word.

Some Place In France, For Roman Polanski’s Sake

Let’s bring the mountain to Mohammed, people. For 30 years, poor Roman hasn’t been able to attend an awards ceremony, despite being nominated several times. Doesn’t seem fair to me. What has he done to deserve to be excluded like this? While the Oscar’s should be an exclusive event, I don’t think that they should AIM to exclude. Let Roman relive his glory days.

In all seriousness, though, keep him away from Dakota Fanning.

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