Winner: As much as we’d like to give the award to Twilight for having the audacity to put the word “saga” anywhere near its name, it would ultimately mean that future Twilight films could use the phrase “Oscar-winning” to describe itself. The mere idea of this is enough to make us contemplate mass suicide, so we’re going to give it to Pirates of the Caribbean. This sick joke has gone on long enough—for Christ’s sake. Their all based on a fucking Disney World ride—and with a fifth one allegedly in the works, so it’s time to send a message. That message being: If you put Johnny Depp up in dreadlocks and clown makeup one more time, we will drown every last kitten on this planet.
The Adjustment Bureau
The Tree of Life
Winner: Abduction. Not because the film was particularly confusing, but because no one could understand how in the hell this movie ever made it into existence. Taylor Lautner will also win an award for Best Performance by an Alpaca in a Feature Film, but upon revealing to the world that he is in fact a human being, will be booed off the stage, tarred and feathered, and blacklisted from Hollywood forever. It will go down as the single greatest moment in Oscar history.