Winner: Hobo with a Shotgun. Duh.
Winner: Conan will win for destroying perhaps the most perfect film this earth has ever been granted the privilege of witnessing. Unbeknownst to the public at the time, it will be revealed years later that the film’s nomination was all part of an elaborate ploy to lure Jason Momoa out of hiding, executed by the great Hyborian god Crom. This will work, of course, and in a flick of Crom’s mighty wrist, Momoa and all proof of the remake’s existence will be vaporized before our very eyes.
Winner: Despite being a piece of shit movie overall, In Time will snag the award for best concept, keeping the film out of the 5 dollar bin for at least an extra month. It will be the first and last time the word “award” is mentioned in the same sentence as In Time (excluding this article), and will forever be overshadowed in Justin Timberlake’s career by that time he stuck his dick in a Christmas present.