7 Oscar Categories That Should Exist (And Who Would Win Them)

Best Title

Nominees
Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son
Unknown
Hobo with a Shotgun
A Good Old Fashioned Orgy
The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence

Winner: Hobo with a Shotgun. Duh.

Most Horrifying Destruction of a Beloved Childhood Memory

Nominees
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark
Conan the Barbarian
Mr. Popper’s Penguins
The Smurfs

Winner: Conan will win for destroying perhaps the most perfect film this earth has ever been granted the privilege of witnessing. Unbeknownst to the public at the time, it will be revealed years later that the film’s nomination was all part of an elaborate ploy to lure Jason Momoa out of hiding, executed by the great Hyborian god Crom. This will work, of course, and in a flick of Crom’s mighty wrist, Momoa and all proof of the remake’s existence will be vaporized before our very eyes.

Best Concept for a Film

Nominees
Drive
I Saw the Devil
Source Code
In Time
The Skin I Live In

Winner: Despite being a piece of shit movie overall, In Time will snag the award for best concept, keeping the film out of the 5 dollar bin for at least an extra month. It will be the first and last time the word “award” is mentioned in the same sentence as In Time (excluding this article), and will forever be overshadowed in Justin Timberlake’s career by that time he stuck his dick in a Christmas present.