The Academy Awards have been running strong for 84 years now, and to put it nicely, they are in need of a few renovations. The fact that Billy Crystal will be hosting for the tenth time this year only furthers this theory. That’s not a knock on the ceremony, but simply an observation. The fact is, all things must change with the times; the Constitution did it, The Beatles did it, and Steve Jobs’ ghost forces us to do it by releasing a new goddamn Iproduct every goddamn month. The Oscars need a fresh breath of life, and what better way to mix things up then to add a few new categories? We’ve managed to do just that, and even gone as far as to predict who will win each, because we really are that damn good.
The book from The Help
Jonah Hill in Moneyball
The pills that killed Gwyneth Paltrow in Country Strong
The ring in Green Lantern
Channing Tatum in The Eagle
Winner: As was the case for his Best Supporting Actor “worthy” role in Moneyball, there would be a public backlash for Jonah Hill’s nomination in this category. Movie going audiences will claim that, just because Hill was fat to the point of immobility in the film does not qualify him as an inanimate object. In the end, it will be a pointless argument, as the gold statue will be given to Channing Tatum for his portrayal of the chariot in The Eagle. The above photo will be snapped of Tatum during his acceptance speech, which will consist mainly of Chewbacca-esque grunts and quotes from Old School.
Natalie Portman in No Strings Attached
Sir Anthony Hopkins in The Rite
Tom Hanks in Larry Crowne
Aaron Eckhart in Battle: Los Angeles
Jim Carrey in Mr. Popper’s Penguins
Winner: In a shocking twist, the award will be deemed a tie between the entire cast of New Year’s Eve with the exception of Ashton Kutcher. Sarah Jessica Parker will accept the award on behalf of the cast, at which point the viewing audiences across the nation will erupt into fits of rage and confusion as to why the presenters just allowed Warhorse to waltz off with an undeserved Oscar.