The Academy Awards have been running strong for 84 years now, and to put it nicely, they are in need of a few renovations. The fact that Billy Crystal will be hosting for the tenth time this year only furthers this theory. That’s not a knock on the ceremony, but simply an observation. The fact is, all things must change with the times; the Constitution did it, The Beatles did it, and Steve Jobs’ ghost forces us to do it by releasing a new goddamn Iproduct every goddamn month. The Oscars need a fresh breath of life, and what better way to mix things up then to add a few new categories? We’ve managed to do just that, and even gone as far as to predict who will win each, because we really are that damn good.

Best Performance by an Inanimate Object

The book from The Help
Jonah Hill in Moneyball
The pills that killed Gwyneth Paltrow in Country Strong
The ring in Green Lantern
Channing Tatum in The Eagle

Winner: As was the case for his Best Supporting Actor “worthy” role in Moneyball, there would be a public backlash for Jonah Hill’s nomination in this category. Movie going audiences will claim that, just because Hill was fat to the point of immobility in the film does not qualify him as an inanimate object. In the end, it will be a pointless argument, as the gold statue will be given to Channing Tatum for his portrayal of the chariot in The Eagle. The above photo will be snapped of Tatum during his acceptance speech, which will consist mainly of Chewbacca-esque grunts and quotes from Old School.

Best Actor in the Worst Movie a.k.a The Michael Madsen Award

Natalie Portman in No Strings Attached
Sir Anthony Hopkins in The Rite
Tom Hanks in Larry Crowne
Aaron Eckhart in Battle: Los Angeles
Jim Carrey in Mr. Popper’s Penguins

Winner: In a shocking twist, the award will be deemed a tie between the entire cast of New Year’s Eve with the exception of Ashton Kutcher. Sarah Jessica Parker will accept the award on behalf of the cast, at which point the viewing audiences across the nation will erupt into fits of rage and confusion as to why the presenters just allowed Warhorse to waltz off with an undeserved Oscar.

Best Title

Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son
Hobo with a Shotgun
A Good Old Fashioned Orgy
The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence

Winner: Hobo with a Shotgun. Duh.

Most Horrifying Destruction of a Beloved Childhood Memory

Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark
Conan the Barbarian
Mr. Popper’s Penguins
The Smurfs

Winner: Conan will win for destroying perhaps the most perfect film this earth has ever been granted the privilege of witnessing. Unbeknownst to the public at the time, it will be revealed years later that the film’s nomination was all part of an elaborate ploy to lure Jason Momoa out of hiding, executed by the great Hyborian god Crom. This will work, of course, and in a flick of Crom’s mighty wrist, Momoa and all proof of the remake’s existence will be vaporized before our very eyes.

Best Concept for a Film

I Saw the Devil
Source Code
In Time
The Skin I Live In

Winner: Despite being a piece of shit movie overall, In Time will snag the award for best concept, keeping the film out of the 5 dollar bin for at least an extra month. It will be the first and last time the word “award” is mentioned in the same sentence as In Time (excluding this article), and will forever be overshadowed in Justin Timberlake’s career by that time he stuck his dick in a Christmas present.

Most Unnecessary Sequel

Cars 2
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Alvin and the Chimpmunks: Chipwrecked
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn

Winner: As much as we’d like to give the award to Twilight for having the audacity to put the word “saga” anywhere near its name, it would ultimately mean that future Twilight films could use the phrase “Oscar-winning” to describe itself. The mere idea of this is enough to make us contemplate mass suicide, so we’re going to give it to Pirates of the Caribbean. This sick joke has gone on long enough—for Christ’s sake. Their all based on a fucking Disney World ride—and with a fifth one allegedly in the works, so it’s time to send a message. That message being: If you put Johnny Depp up in dreadlocks and clown makeup one more time, we will drown every last kitten on this planet.

Mindfuck of the Year

The Adjustment Bureau
The Tree of Life
Take Shelter
Another Earth

Winner: Abduction. Not because the film was particularly confusing, but because no one could understand how in the hell this movie ever made it into existence. Taylor Lautner will also win an award for Best Performance by an Alpaca in a Feature Film, but upon revealing to the world that he is in fact a human being, will be booed off the stage, tarred and feathered, and blacklisted from Hollywood forever. It will go down as the single greatest moment in Oscar history.

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