7 Movie Villains Who Are Less Sinister Than Bill Belichick

Wednesday, February 1 by

Wicked Witch of the West – The Wizard of Oz

The witch uses flying monkeys to do her bidding, while I get the feeling that Belichick enjoys doing his own wet work. That’s not to say that Belichick doesn’t have a legion of flying monkeys, probably housed under the Pats’ practice facility, but I think he just burns them with cigars if the Patriots win by a margin of less than two touchdowns.

Further, the Wicked Witch may have a shrill and grating cackle, but at least she laughs and smiles.

Darth Maul – Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

It would be hyperbolic of me to say that Coach Belichick is more sinister than Darth Vader. That would be ridiculous. But I feel Belichick is definitely worse than Darth Maul, Vader’s demonic predecessor. Sure, Darth Maul killed Liam Neeson, but Bill Belichick somehow managed to establish an offense that allowed Wes Welker to be considered a “very good” receiver. That’s sinister.

By the way, if anyone ever says that Wes Welker is their favorite NFL receiver, that’s his or her socially acceptable way of letting everyone within earshot know that he or she is racist.

Henry Evans – The Good Son

Of course, for this comparison to really be apples to apples, Bill Belichick has to wrongly influence an otherwise good person to achieve his sociopathic ends. This person, of course, is Roger Goodell. In exchange for keeping some of the NFL’s biggest troublemakers off the streets, and maintaining a perennially awesome (and marketable) team led by an extremely handsome quarterback, Roger Goodell remains beholden to Belichick.

The two arcs diverge in that Elijah Wood never really bent to Macauley Culkin’s imposed evilness, whereas Goodell has. How, you might ask?

I have it on good authority that Roger Goodell has issued a memo to the printers of all stadium programs and licensees that they are to only run photos of Belichick when his horns are retracted, and if the odd horned photo falls through the cracks, the licensee is to use the Photoshop and Airbrushing Department at Vogue to ensure that all traces of the horns are removed from the published image.

I originally thought that perhaps the best analog for Elijah Wood in this instance would perhaps be Norv Turner, but since The Good Son doesn’t end with Elijah being fired, then his family moved to downtown Los Angeles, that probably wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense.

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