It’s a special time of year for non-Boston fans of AFC teams, a time where we curse the Patriots for their success and bitch about what an evil person the Pat's head coach, Bill Belichick, is in light of his team appearing in the Super Bowl. Needless to say, it’s one of my favorite times of year.

Of course, Belichick isn’t REALLY evil; he’s just led his team to great success with a joyless demeanor while breaking the rules of the NFL that were established for fair play.

Huh. He sounds pretty evil when it’s framed like that, doesn’t he?

Well, evil, like human sexuality or wealth, is a continuum. It’s not a binary state, so we can go further to examine degrees of evil. Since this is a movie site, it makes sense to list a few “evil” characters that are outshone by Mr. Patriot’s sinister nature. The following seven characters are actually less sinister than Bill Belichick.

In case you were wondering what movie character is exactly as evil and underhanded as Belichick, it’s Col. Hans Landa from Inglourious Basterds (A.K.A. The Jew Hunter).

Dick Jones – Robocop

It’s one thing to be an evil or malicious thug – over time you will more than likely get picked up and punished for your actions. It’s another to be some powerful, political mastermind that is above any and all scrutiny. It’s for this reason that Belichick is more sinister than not only Clarence Boddicker from Robocop, but also OCP alpha dog Dick Jones.

Dick Jones is on a mission to ensure that the test case of Detroit proves successful so that Omni Consumer Products can start shilling not only ED-209s, but also Robocops to other markets.

Now, I don’t think that Bill Belichick is looking to franchise a series of books entitled How to Win…The Belichick Way! or anything like that, but I do think that he is leveraging an ungodly amount of power to run his team like some sort of semi-legal corporation. Now, I have absolutely no proof that this is the case, but if you put a gun to my head and asked me what corporations are/were run similarly to Belichick’s Patriots, I would say offhand: Enron, Morgan Stanley, AIG, and Blackwater.

Cal Hockley– Titanic

Sure, Cal made women and children die in the aftermath of the Titanic’s collision with the iceberg, but dammit, he looked good doing it. And while Titanic's plot says nothing to support this, I’m assuming that Cal was a creep since he was a young, entitled little boy, which doesn’t make his misdeeds any more palatable. But at least people would have known what they’re in for.

Belichick, on the other hand, came up as a fairly unassuming coach, only to become an evil mastermind once he was handed the keys to the castle. Further, I’m not willing to entertain arguments that his cut-off hoodie look isn’t a victimless crime. My eyes bleed every time I see this powerful, powerful man masquerading as a hobo.

In summation:

Slicked back hair + tuxedo + Billy Zane is playing him = Guy you know you should avoid.

Tattered hoodie + former Cleveland Browns employee + name “Bill” = Guy you would probably give a few dollars to on your walk to work who, in return, will secretly videotape your defensive coordinators playcalling signals.

Wicked Witch of the West – The Wizard of Oz

The witch uses flying monkeys to do her bidding, while I get the feeling that Belichick enjoys doing his own wet work. That’s not to say that Belichick doesn’t have a legion of flying monkeys, probably housed under the Pats’ practice facility, but I think he just burns them with cigars if the Patriots win by a margin of less than two touchdowns.

Further, the Wicked Witch may have a shrill and grating cackle, but at least she laughs and smiles.

Darth Maul – Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

It would be hyperbolic of me to say that Coach Belichick is more sinister than Darth Vader. That would be ridiculous. But I feel Belichick is definitely worse than Darth Maul, Vader’s demonic predecessor. Sure, Darth Maul killed Liam Neeson, but Bill Belichick somehow managed to establish an offense that allowed Wes Welker to be considered a “very good” receiver. That’s sinister.

By the way, if anyone ever says that Wes Welker is their favorite NFL receiver, that’s his or her socially acceptable way of letting everyone within earshot know that he or she is racist.

Henry Evans – The Good Son

Of course, for this comparison to really be apples to apples, Bill Belichick has to wrongly influence an otherwise good person to achieve his sociopathic ends. This person, of course, is Roger Goodell. In exchange for keeping some of the NFL’s biggest troublemakers off the streets, and maintaining a perennially awesome (and marketable) team led by an extremely handsome quarterback, Roger Goodell remains beholden to Belichick.

The two arcs diverge in that Elijah Wood never really bent to Macauley Culkin’s imposed evilness, whereas Goodell has. How, you might ask?

I have it on good authority that Roger Goodell has issued a memo to the printers of all stadium programs and licensees that they are to only run photos of Belichick when his horns are retracted, and if the odd horned photo falls through the cracks, the licensee is to use the Photoshop and Airbrushing Department at Vogue to ensure that all traces of the horns are removed from the published image.

I originally thought that perhaps the best analog for Elijah Wood in this instance would perhaps be Norv Turner, but since The Good Son doesn’t end with Elijah being fired, then his family moved to downtown Los Angeles, that probably wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense.

The Law Firm in Michael ClaytonMichael Clayton

The similarities between this firm and the New England Patriots organization are many. They are despicable, they have excellent track records, and they utilize some shady washed-up professionals to get results in their favor. Of course, a corporation can’t be inherently evil, rather the corporate culture takes on the values of the people running it. Since the Kraft family seems like a decent lot, I’m going to say that the Patriots’ underhanded and despicable methods are a result of a man who has permanent residency in a moral grey area. That man is Bill Belichick.

I can’t prove that Belichick or one of his henchman saw to it that Peyton Manning’s neck would be especially fragile this year, but you have to admit that the timing is a little suspicious. Peyton’s out all season, and Rob Gronkowski has a breakout year, leading the Pats to the Super Bowl? It’s suspect.

And yes, in the above example, Peyton Manning is the Tom Wilkinson character. And the townfolk with all the cancer I guess would be the San Francisco 49ers.

Jaws – Jaws

Bill Belichick and the shark from Jaws are pretty much the same on the surface. Both have cold dead eyes, both reside near New England, and both will eventually be blown up by Roy Scheider (a theory I have).

What makes Jaws less sinister than Bill Belichick is the fact that Jaws would have licensed his name to Madden so that the roster didn’t simply read “NE Coach.” What a jerk. Jaws may eat skinny dippers, but it wouldn’t be the lone holdout keeping me from total immersion in my football video game.

Also, Jaws would have never gotten involved in SpyGate. Mostly because it would flop around die if it ever left the water, but also because it has more integrity than that. Unlike Belichick.

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