Today’s Valentines Day, which should be a day about the celebration of love, but mostly, it just makes people crazy and insecure. In an effort to give everyone a little boost and hope, we thought we’d share with our dear readers an in-exhaustive rundown of some of Hollywood’s least conventional romances.

Note, not all of these pairings have the happiest outcomes, so we recommend that you consume this list with a lot of alcohol to dull the crushing pain of love down to a mere pinch.


Luke and Leia - Star Wars

She ended up with Han Solo, but this brother and sister did have their moment. Granted, they weren’t aware of the fact that they were related, but that’s why you always do your due diligence. It’s not out of line to ask for a family tree or a potential suitor’s login ID and password to

So, no matter how poorly your Valentines Day is going, you can always say to yourself, “At least I’m not carrying on a romantic relationship with my sibling.”

Actually, I misspoke. You can’t always say that if you’re actually having a relationship with your sibling.

Harold and Maude - Harold and Maude

May-November romances are one thing, but Harold and Maude were carrying on an early-January-late December romances in this 1971 dark, dark comedy. While the age gap is the most notable oddity in their relationship, upon becoming familiar with the characters, the strangest aspect is actually that these two people are complete weirdos and probably deserve each other.

Harold is obsessed with death, making him a natural fit for Maude, who resides at death’s door at the age of 79. For those thinking that this might be a quirky film to enjoy tonight, let me divulge that (spoiler alert) Maude kills herself at the end of the film.

So maybe you should go see The Vow instead.

Lars and Bianca - Lars and the Real Girl

Say what you will about Ryan Gosling’s relationship with a blow-up sex doll, but it seems to be a healthier relationships than lots of dysfunctional ones I’ve seen in both real life and in film. Lars is a man who still bears the scars of a distant, saddened father, and finds solace in the inanimate Bianca. While many people carry on relationships with women that are essentially little more than sex dolls, Lars just goes whole hog and courts an actual doll.

When Lars finds he’s ready to grow, he decides that Bianca “dies,” and following the funeral, sparks a romance with a real "real girl." Yay for growing up.

King Kong and Ann - King Kong

I’m sure the sex between Ann and King Kong would probably be pretty painful if at all possible, so it would have been interesting to see how the relationship between man and beast would have progressed had he not been gunned down in a hail of bullets atop the Empire State Building.

While the extent of Kong’s love for Ann is clear, it’s not clear how far she would have been willing to go for Kong. It was clear that he took good care of her, but fairly rote tasks like attending parent-teacher conferences or dinner parties could be difficult with a gigantic ape. And don’t get me started on a trip to the zoo. King Kong gets all preachy when it comes to zoos.

The Fly and Veronica - The Fly

Veronica fell in love with Seth, but after a freak experiment, she was destined to live out the rest of his days with a human-insect fusion known as BrundelFly. And that couldn’t have been easy. While The Fly initially showed some promise in the form of increased strength, speed, and sexual prowess, those qualities waned and were replaced by such “qualities” as detachable ears, vomiting on food, and a propensity for kidnapping.

As with so many of these unconventional love stories, there isn’t much in the way of a happy ending, as Veronica ends up shooting the blob of goo that the fly had become, killing him (it).

Again, not a good movie for tonight. Might I suggest Friends with Benefits?

Howard the Duck and Beverly - Howard the Duck

Lea Thompson falls in love with the most obnoxious alien ever who hails from a planet called (sigh) Duckworld. Let’s just ignore this plot, because this is among the stupidest films ever created. Instead, let’s just examine the relationship between Howard the Duck and Beverly (Thompson). Trans-species romances are often hindered by the fact that the protagonists can’t really have sex, for fear of objection by audiences, as well as a host of logistical questions.

At the film’s conclusion, Howard saves the world, preventing him from returning to his stupid home planet. He is employed as Beverly’s manager and is doomed to live out his days in the friend zone.

Jenny and Forrest - Forrest Gump

Forrest Gump makes it pretty clear that, despite Jenny and Forrest’s strong feelings for each other, their relationship could never blossom in the way they hoped, on account of Forrest Gump being a nice guy and Jenny being an insufferable whore who only tells Forrest about his son as she’s dying of AIDS.

The only nice thing that Jenny ever did for Forrest was give him the seat next to her on the bus, which is crap, because it’s not like she gave him HER seat, but just allowed him to sit in the seat next to her. Robert Zemeckis spends the next 100 minutes or so tearing down the illusion of goodwill by having Jenny sleep with the retarded guy, then run off, only returning to him when her sense of self-worth is so low that she gets suicidal.

It’s terrible, sad, and all too real, but it’s also unconventional, so it makes the list.

I hate you, Jenny.

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