7 Movie Parents Who Should Lose Their Kids To Child Services

Wednesday, September 28 by

5. The Goonies’ Parents

Uh, where were they? Their houses are set to be razed by Troy’s dad (TROY!) to build a golf course, but they’re nowhere to be found. Rather they leave it to their impish sons and daughters to navigate a pirate obstacle course. Sure, Mikey’s mom is around long enough to delegate here child-rearing duties to the maid, but she doesn’t even speak Spanish, so she relies on Mouth. So essentially, she’s tasks the kids with instructing the maid on how to look after the kids. Not good parenting.

Further, the parents should have acted together and formed a committee to seal off that well, or at least put a fence or signs around it. That’s a hazard. Plus the film took place around the time Baby Jessica fell down a well. They should have known better.

(Complete aside: Did it bother anyone else that the Goonies save their houses at the end of the film, but they end up doing it by giving Troy’s dad (TROY!) a shit-ton of diamonds and rubies? Doesn’t exactly seem like that bastard got his comeuppance.)

4. Daniel LaRusso’s Mom – The Karate Kid

Sure, she’s oblivious to the bullying, but that’s not the real crime here. The real crime is turning a blind eye to her son’s constant visits to a septuagenarian Asian man who wants to teach him karate and gardening. Also, the fact that this man gave him a damn car for his 16th birthday didn’t raise a red flag? That’s a pretty major gift to give a kid you’re not banging out.

At the very least, the relationship is totally platonic, but he is still ostracized from his classmates for being the biggest weirdo in Reseda.

For a good time, think about Chris Hansen confronting Mr. Miyagi on To Catch a Predator. Pretty awesome, no?

3. Donnie Darko’s Parents

Well, your kid is either an actual time-traveler that foresees his own death (or something. I gave up trying to understand this film a long time ago.) or he’s a crazy person who thinks he’s a time-traveler who can foresee his own death. Either way, you might want to spend a little more time getting to know what makes this weirdo tick.

Also, while not technically, illegal, I think naming your child “Donnie Darko” is just asking for trouble. Someone with that name could never be an executive at Ford Motors or 3M. He should be a ward of the state.

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