Good news for people who really want to eat horses: Horses can now be slaughtered for their meat in the United States, which I can safely say is the greatest news I have ever heard in my life. Regardless of whether you love horse meat, or just think it’s really, really good, this comes as good news. This is the second best horse story we've reported in the past month!

We can’t really hold a conversation about delicious horse meat without discussing which horses from stage and screen we would most like to eat. It’s hard, because there a lot of movies out there with succulent horses. It’s also nice because horses in movies generally die of trauma, which may sound terrible, but if you’re going to eat a horse, you’d much rather eat one that died from a bullet than from a cocktail of euthanizing chemicals. Trust me.

With that in mind, here are seven movie horses that we would be absolutely delighted to slaughter and eat.

Seabiscuit – Seabiscuit

The name alone makes my mouth water. Seabiscuit. Yum. As a rule, I try not to eat things that Tobey Maguire has sat on, but with this horse, I’m happy to make an exception.

I would make a dish called Seabiscuits and Gravy. Yum.

Spirit – Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron

I have stared at that title for about five minutes, and I’m still not convinced that last word isn’t “cinnamon.” I’ve never had a horse with cinnamon before, but I’m hazarding a guess that the horse is a bit gamey, as it comes for the West. But a few shakes of cinnamon should play nicely off its earthy, earthy meat.

Note: This is the second of many horses that have delicious names.

The PieNational Velvet

A message to the ghost of Elizabeth Taylor: If you name your horse “The Pie,” you aren’t allowed to get upset when someone eats it. If you don’t want people killing and eating your horse, name it Sawdust or Archibald.

Pilgrim – The Horse Whisperer

I would just eat this horse because I think it would be funny to whisper to the meat at a dinner party. Especially a that I hosted and didn’t tell people what was being served.

Me (whispering): I’m going to eat you. You’re going to be delicious.

Dinner Guest 1: What are you doing, Penn?

Me: Oh, I’m just doing a finny little play on 'The Horse Whisperer'.

Dinner Guest 2: Why is that funny?

Me: Because it’s horse. We’re all eating horse.

Dinner Guest 3: Shut up.

*I continue to eat my food, smiling*

Dinner Guest 3: You’re disgusting. Why would you do that to us?

Me: You don’t like my food? Get the f#ck out of my house. GET OUT! And take this bottle of Malbec with you! It doesn’t complement the horse meat at all!

*heaves bottle at guest*

Hidalgo – Hidalgo

Hidalgo is often a title for Spanish royalty. I love Spanish food and expensive things, so this was a bit of a no-brainer. I would serve Hidalgo tapas-style in keeping with the Spanish theme. I would also serve him at a very late dinner, possibly at 11:30 PM, also in accordance with the Spaniards’ late dining hour.

Just because I’m the kind of guy that kills and eats horses doesn’t mean I don’t like to keep to a theme.

Buttercup – Half Baked

At first, I was a little concerned because the horse has been dead for almost 15 years, and because the horse was a diabetic. In fact, the horse died 15 years ago BECAUSE it was a diabetic. So, if I could get the horse’s rotting corpse inspected by a medical examiner who could confirm that there weren’t any medical complications stemming from the diabetes that would taint the 15 year-old meat, then I would certainly not let it go to waste.

I know they eat fermented horse in Iceland, and the Dothraki from Game of Thrones really seem to enjoy horse jerky, so I think that I’d be just fine if the horse is maybe less-than-fresh.

“I love Butternuts!”

Arizona Pie – International Velvet

It stands to reason that, if I’m going to eat a horse named "The Pie," I’m also eager to eat that horse’s children. With that said, I’m going to eat the hell out of Arizona Pie, offspring of The Pie from National Velvet. Yum.

I also am quick to eat Arizona Pie because International Velvet was one of those sequels like Return to Oz that had no business being made. Was the horse featured in International Velvet responsible for any of the creative decisions that made it such a stinker? I don’t know. But I will eat it anyway, just to be safe.

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