7 Horror Movie Victims Who Were Too Stupid To Live
Knowing not to go down the stairs puts you miles above these seven horror movie victims who were too stupid to live. Don’t look at it as the loss of human life, but as a gain to the Earth’s mean intelligence score. Remember, you don't have to outrun the monster-you just have to outrun your friends.
Jill Tuck, “Saw: The Final Chapter”. Very few things can guarantee a longer life, but avoiding an inventive, righteousness-fueled copy cat serial killer has to be one of them. Tuck seeks out police protection in the belief that they can stop the latest version of Jigsaw, Mark Hoffman, after having scarred him previously through a trap with no escape. Hoffman returns the favor with the same modified trap she used on him, and Tuck leaves the world of “Saw: The Final Chapter” in a violent scene.
Russel Franklin, “Deep Blue Sea”. Live by the genetically modified, super intelligent shark; die by the genetically modified, super intelligent shark. This is the motto for “Deep Blue Sea”. Franklin, after bearing witness to the shark's attack upon the lab decides that the smartest place to dish out a rallying monologue is with his back to an open access port to the shark's sealed environment. He becomes a snack mid-speech in an amusing scene and shows that being a smart investor doesn’t mean his common sense is anything special.
Harris, “Severance”. If you aren’t smart enough to fake the flu or actively go out and get the flu in order to get out of a work retreat (that isn’t at an island paradise), then you are probably too stupid to live. With pretty severe foreshadowing by Harris as he explains the after effects of being guillotined, his decapitation by a machete becomes the perfect connect the dots murder. Whether dazed or just tired of his nonsense, his colleague Jill walks on without helping him pre-head loss, making for a scene that pushes the apathy behind the office relationships of the team in “Severance”.
Julia Cotton, “Hellraiser”. Once you go skipping down the road of luring men home to kill them so your lover/brother-in-law can consume them, you have to expect some bad karma eventually coming your way. Julia gets killed via a good old-fashioned accidental stabbing by her lover in “Hellraiser” and still acts surprised. Featuring a slow dodge by her stepdaughter, Julia’s death scene is that perfect 80s cheese fest you came to see.
Andrei, “Night Watch”. Hunting a child down so you can feed on him illegally when applying for a license to do so is just some paperwork away makes Andrei the vampire far too much of an idiot to live. Handily dispatched with some special headlights and a mirror, Andrei gets literally dusted without harming the vampiric brain trust of “Nightwatch”. His fight with Anton is a great suspense-filled battle, brimming with fun effects and good old brawling.
Father Duffy, “I Sell the Dead”. Being immersed in the supernatural grave robbing scene and impersonating a priest should make you incredibly paranoid about survival in the world of “I Sell the Dead”. Father Duffy gets killed by newly undead Willie Grimes, and it couldn’t have happened to a nicer fake priest. The recounting of what happened on the island prior to Duffy getting his comeuppance is one long humorous scene of semi-cowardice and bravery.
Lewis, “The Signal”. In a world infected by a communications virus that turns those exposed into a varying spectrum of psychopaths, this guy takes the stupidity cake. Lewis manages to survive long enough to kill himself after being psyched out via kindergarten-level mind games. Watching him getting his daily dose of electricity by punching out a television in “The Signal” is almost worth it, had he not gotten psyched out by his wife’s boyfriend with some seriously canned acting.