Make no mistake, if you didn't enjoy Star Wars: The Phantom Menace before, you certainly won't enjoy it in 3D. Spotting the trend of classic films re-released to theaters in 3D, George Lucas jumped on the opportunity with plans to release 3D versions of each Star Wars film for the next six years. We don't need this. We don't want this. It only sullies the original films even more than they've already been sullied.

There comes a time when artists and directors need to step back from their work and just let it exist. To continue to go in and tinker ruins the whole. Also, it looks really desperate. Stars Wars: The Phantom Menace isn't a "classic" in the good sense of the word. Rather, it's a classic example of an out-of-touch filmmaker who can't let go. Please learn from history, George.

Like these films didn't.

The Twilight Saga

To further dump the carryalls of Twihards, Summit re-released each of the Twilight films in the weeks leading up to the release of Twilight: Breaking Dawn - Part 1. As added incentive to lure fans away from the DVD copies they already own, the films were updated to include introductions and interviews with the cast. That and the promise of not having to worry about cat hair getting on everything.


As a fan of kajillions of dollars, James Cameron had to take the opportunity to squeeze more from Avatar. The film's original run was cut shorter than he'd have liked when it had to be pulled from 3D theaters to make room for Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland. The solution was to bring it back for fans to catch in August after the summer's big releases simmered down. The re-release featured an additional nine minutes of footage which sadly didn't focus more on hot tail sex. The added footage revolves around the death of the brash dickhead Na'vi hunter Tsu'tey, whose demise in the original cut did seem a little unceremonious. The new footage also introduces us to the Sturmbeest. Sounds like pretty cool additions, but would he have added these scenes if not for the Alice In Wonderland push? I could have just as well waited to see deleted scenes when the film was released for home systems.

Titanic 3D

Here we go again. There's no defense for this. It's pretty blatant what the line of thinking was. Titanic = money. 3D = more money. Line forms to the left and don't forget to super-size your snack order to receive a commemorative Titanic 3D cup you'll never use again.


E.T.'s 20th Anniversary re-release turned out to be a bit of a disaster. It flopped at the box office and drew criticism for the additional and changed material added to the film. For instance, seeing a CG E.T. running through the woods was just a little too creepy and didn't mix well with the practical puppet. And the decision to replace the government agents' guns with walkie-talkies in light of 9/11 was pretty ridiculous. No one should ever worry that awesome rifles are going to scare children. If they didn't want to scar youngsters, they should have removed the scene where E.T. FUCKING DIES.

Donnie Darko

A few years after its initial theatrical run, Donnie Darko was re-released to theaters with new music and twenty extra minutes of footage. Richard Kelly always felt the story was compromised by coming in under two hours. Problem being, does Donnie Darko hold up as a film? Wasn't everyone kind of sick of it by 2004? We all had Napoleon Dynamite to rave about incessantly by that point.

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians

I can recognize the value in celebrating this movie as a classic of kitsch cinema, but is it really worth watching without the running commentary from the cast of Mystery Science Theater 3000? I mean, this is a few hours of our lives we're talking about, here.

All The Other Star Wars Movies

Really. Just stop. How many lunchboxes, pairs of underwear, bed sheets, sticker books, exclusive magazines, DVDs, fake tattoos, pencil boxes, and toys does George Lucas need to sell before he's sufficiently crapped all over every childhood? It can't be about money anymore at this point. He just doing it to mess with us.

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