7 Film Roles Will Smith Should Have Divorced

Tuesday, August 23 by

4. Hitch

Jazz could have played the Kevin Smith role way better.

My big problem with Hitch, is that it glorifies the dating of Kevin James. No one should date Kevin James, if only because they might have sex with him (I know, gross) and pass on his genetic material. Assuming his offspring is carried to term, his son or could reach toddler age, then star opposite in a film in which he or she gets involved in a mind-body switch with James. The title would probably be Switcharoo, and everyone would bitch about how awful it is, but it would still make $1.1 billion dollars, which isn’t as much as it sounds because there will be an enormous inflationary crisis in 2015 that causes the dollar to fall to 9% of its current worth, but that’s still like $121 million, which is moderately upsetting.

3. Made in America

Yup. This is from the movie.

Made in America is a comedy in which Nia Long’s character and her mother, played by Whoopi Goldberg, find out that Long’s father is a white sperm donor played by Ted Danson.

Many who know Danson now know him to be in some pretty irreverent and funny fare. And many know that he launched his career as Sam the bartender on the iconic sitcom Cheers. But in between, Danson was in a wildly unfunny phase of his career. A phase in which he appeared in blackface at a roast for Goldberg, his girlfriend.

The movie consists mostly of sugar-coated humor about race, with Smith spouting off lines like “Yo! There’s a white dude at the door!” and other thoughtful prose. It’s at the beginning of his career, so I’m willing to forgive his participation, but that doesn’t mean anyone should watch it.

2. I, Robot

Yo find this to be the funniest thing yo have ever seen.

The most important thing about this film is that in Spanish-speaking markets, this film was titled Yo, Robot, which makes me laugh almost a decade after its release. Actually, this movie is fine. I just wanted to share that nugget with you.

1. Men in Black II

This is two Johnny Knoxvilles too many.

When you bring Johnny Knoxville into your franchise, that’s a perfect time to evaluate whether or not you need to actually go through with another installment. More specifically, it’s a perfect time to pull the plug on the film and the franchise.

Picking up where Men in Black left off, Men in Black II

Okay. I didn’t see Men in Black II. I don’t know what happened. But a quick read indicates that Tommy Lee Jones’ Agent K gets pulled out of retirement to defeat an alien played by Laura Flynn Boyle. Ugh. They had the budget to get Charlize Theron. I know they did!

Johnny Knoxville has another head protruding from his neck, so it can actually be said that this film features two Johnny Knoxvilles. Ominous.