7 Film Roles Will Smith Should Have Divorced

Tuesday, August 23 by
You gotta know when to fold 'em.  

The word on the street is that Will Smith and wife Jada Pinkett-Smith have separated, with rumors of divorce swirling, certainly causing strife for their children Willow, Jaden, Smithpink, Jadawill, Jill, and Wada. Even the rumor of divorce (unless it involves Nic Cage) is no laughing matter, but it caused us to think about other commitments that Will Smith should have walked away from.

While we can’t put his Willow Smith remake of Annie on this list (journalistic “integrity” dictates that a film has to be made before we definitively declare it awful), we can look back on some missteps and scream, “Why? WHY?” while curled in a ball in the corner of our offices, listening to Mazzy Star.

So let’s do that.

7. Shark Tale

This shark is offensive to Italian-Americans.

In their infancies, it seemed as though Dreamworks and Pixar were neck and neck. In fact, it was very hard to distinguish one studio from another, due in no small part to the fact that they seemed to be cranking out the same films at the same time.

“Our film isn’t anything like A Bug’s Life. This one’s about…ants.”

It happened again in 2004 when Dreamworks countered Pixar’s much-loved Finding Nemo fish tale with a film about…sharks. But wait. Before you pass judgment, does the fact that some of the sharks were Mafioso and one was voiced by Martin Scorsese? Yeah. I didn’t think that would help.

Smith played Oscar, a young fish who takes undeserved credit for killing a mob boss. The whole thing plays a little stereotypical, save for the fact that a fish voiced by a family-friendly hip-hop star rose up the gangster ranks. That was unexpected. But everything else rightfully had Italian-American rights groups more than a little miffed.

6. Seven Pounds

He's calling a jellyfish for personal services.

This film rivals Heartburn, Beaches, and City of Angels for the “sad for the sake of sad” title. This was Smith’s most recent film, dating all the way back to 2008. I guess he was doing a lot of method training and prep work for MIB III. Or maybe he was busy writing it.

Anyway, this film upsets me most because of the end. (HUMUNGOUS SPOILER ALERT FOR A FILM YOU’LL PROBABLY NEVER SEE) He decides to do himself in with a jellyfish in a bathtub. My mom never let us take jellyfish in the bathtub for that exact reason. I tried to emancipate myself from her, but the court found it to be a pretty reasonable restriction.

In the end, the film succeeds at being really, really sad. But that’s some low-hanging fruit. I can make this whole article really, really sad. It’s easy.

“And the husky puppy was too scared to jump to shore, so his ice drift began to float to the horizon. Slowly, he drifted away from his puppy family. But not before he saw Inuit poachers approach and club them to death.


5. Wild Wild West

This was the inspiration for Eric Cartman's Artemis J. Frog

He was with Artemis from the start of this, but that only goes so far. It was a bad film, sure. But to its credit, the film spawned a song that was so bad it was good, continuing Smith’s trend of sick movie-centric hip-hop jams.

However, it also seemed to spawn the entire steampunk movement. That’s right. That obnoxious Victorian-high tech fashion and design aesthetic in which people wear big googly-eyed monocles, and everything looks like it has a player piano strapped to it. Without Will Smith, there’s probably no Wild Wild West, and without Wild Wild West, there’s no steampunk.

I wish Big Willy had been unable to stand the heat, therefore compelling him to get out the Wild. Wild. West.

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