The word on the street is that Will Smith and wife Jada Pinkett-Smith have separated, with rumors of divorce swirling, certainly causing strife for their children Willow, Jaden, Smithpink, Jadawill, Jill, and Wada. Even the rumor of divorce (unless it involves Nic Cage) is no laughing matter, but it caused us to think about other commitments that Will Smith should have walked away from.

While we can’t put his Willow Smith remake of Annie on this list (journalistic “integrity” dictates that a film has to be made before we definitively declare it awful), we can look back on some missteps and scream, “Why? WHY?” while curled in a ball in the corner of our offices, listening to Mazzy Star.

So let’s do that.

7. Shark Tale

[caption id="attachment_225503" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="This shark is offensive to Italian-Americans."]


In their infancies, it seemed as though Dreamworks and Pixar were neck and neck. In fact, it was very hard to distinguish one studio from another, due in no small part to the fact that they seemed to be cranking out the same films at the same time.

“Our film isn’t anything like A Bug’s Life. This one’s about…ants.”

It happened again in 2004 when Dreamworks countered Pixar’s much-loved Finding Nemo fish tale with a film about…sharks. But wait. Before you pass judgment, does the fact that some of the sharks were Mafioso and one was voiced by Martin Scorsese? Yeah. I didn’t think that would help.

Smith played Oscar, a young fish who takes undeserved credit for killing a mob boss. The whole thing plays a little stereotypical, save for the fact that a fish voiced by a family-friendly hip-hop star rose up the gangster ranks. That was unexpected. But everything else rightfully had Italian-American rights groups more than a little miffed.

6. Seven Pounds

[caption id="attachment_225512" align="aligncenter" width="460" caption="He's calling a jellyfish for personal services."]


This film rivals Heartburn, Beaches, and City of Angels for the “sad for the sake of sad” title. This was Smith’s most recent film, dating all the way back to 2008. I guess he was doing a lot of method training and prep work for MIB III. Or maybe he was busy writing it.

Anyway, this film upsets me most because of the end. (HUMUNGOUS SPOILER ALERT FOR A FILM YOU’LL PROBABLY NEVER SEE) He decides to do himself in with a jellyfish in a bathtub. My mom never let us take jellyfish in the bathtub for that exact reason. I tried to emancipate myself from her, but the court found it to be a pretty reasonable restriction.

In the end, the film succeeds at being really, really sad. But that’s some low-hanging fruit. I can make this whole article really, really sad. It’s easy.

“And the husky puppy was too scared to jump to shore, so his ice drift began to float to the horizon. Slowly, he drifted away from his puppy family. But not before he saw Inuit poachers approach and club them to death.


5. Wild Wild West

[caption id="attachment_225502" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="This was the inspiration for Eric Cartman's Artemis J. Frog"]


He was with Artemis from the start of this, but that only goes so far. It was a bad film, sure. But to its credit, the film spawned a song that was so bad it was good, continuing Smith’s trend of sick movie-centric hip-hop jams.

However, it also seemed to spawn the entire steampunk movement. That’s right. That obnoxious Victorian-high tech fashion and design aesthetic in which people wear big googly-eyed monocles, and everything looks like it has a player piano strapped to it. Without Will Smith, there’s probably no Wild Wild West, and without Wild Wild West, there’s no steampunk.

I wish Big Willy had been unable to stand the heat, therefore compelling him to get out the Wild. Wild. West.

4. Hitch

[caption id="attachment_225501" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="Jazz could have played the Kevin Smith role way better."]


My big problem with Hitch, is that it glorifies the dating of Kevin James. No one should date Kevin James, if only because they might have sex with him (I know, gross) and pass on his genetic material. Assuming his offspring is carried to term, his son or could reach toddler age, then star opposite in a film in which he or she gets involved in a mind-body switch with James. The title would probably be Switcharoo, and everyone would bitch about how awful it is, but it would still make $1.1 billion dollars, which isn’t as much as it sounds because there will be an enormous inflationary crisis in 2015 that causes the dollar to fall to 9% of its current worth, but that’s still like $121 million, which is moderately upsetting.

3. Made in America

[caption id="attachment_225513" align="aligncenter" width="435" caption="Yup. This is from the movie."]


Made in America is a comedy in which Nia Long’s character and her mother, played by Whoopi Goldberg, find out that Long’s father is a white sperm donor played by Ted Danson.

Many who know Danson now know him to be in some pretty irreverent and funny fare. And many know that he launched his career as Sam the bartender on the iconic sitcom Cheers. But in between, Danson was in a wildly unfunny phase of his career. A phase in which he appeared in blackface at a roast for Goldberg, his girlfriend.

The movie consists mostly of sugar-coated humor about race, with Smith spouting off lines like “Yo! There’s a white dude at the door!” and other thoughtful prose. It’s at the beginning of his career, so I’m willing to forgive his participation, but that doesn’t mean anyone should watch it.

2. I, Robot

[caption id="attachment_225500" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="Yo find this to be the funniest thing yo have ever seen."]


The most important thing about this film is that in Spanish-speaking markets, this film was titled Yo, Robot, which makes me laugh almost a decade after its release. Actually, this movie is fine. I just wanted to share that nugget with you.

1. Men in Black II

[caption id="attachment_225499" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="This is two Johnny Knoxvilles too many."]


When you bring Johnny Knoxville into your franchise, that’s a perfect time to evaluate whether or not you need to actually go through with another installment. More specifically, it’s a perfect time to pull the plug on the film and the franchise.

Picking up where Men in Black left off, Men in Black II

Okay. I didn’t see Men in Black II. I don’t know what happened. But a quick read indicates that Tommy Lee Jones’ Agent K gets pulled out of retirement to defeat an alien played by Laura Flynn Boyle. Ugh. They had the budget to get Charlize Theron. I know they did!

Johnny Knoxville has another head protruding from his neck, so it can actually be said that this film features two Johnny Knoxvilles. Ominous.