7 Cities The Porn Industry Could Move To If It Leaves Los Angeles

Thursday, February 23 by

Miami

If you ever wished your porn was greasier, sleeker, and more contrived, then Miami would be number one on your wish list as an adult film locale. Sure, everyone liked amateur porn…for a while. But don’t you now want ridiculously tan Latin dudes having sex in Escalades while a single hair doesn’t fall out of place? Yeah you do.

And if you thought that porn actresses in LA were plastic looking, get excited, because the ones in Miami will be the plastic-est. It’s like watching realistic robots have sex. Which is kind of true, since most people in Miami don’t have souls.

St. Louis

I just think this would be funny on both ends. It would be funny to cite St. Louis as the home of Cardinals baseball and the porn capital of the world, and it would also be funny to see what happens to St. Louis, when 10,000 porn actors get dropped off there on March 5th. I imagine it would be like the opening scene in Scarface, but with a lot more Juicy Couture track suits and small dogs.

St. Louis is also home to the arch. Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve been clamoring for an adult film that uses the arch in a sexual fashion. I don’t have an engineering degree, so I don’t know what’s possible, but I do know that greater minds than mine can sort this type of thing out.

Branson, Missouri

I’ve never been to Branson, but I’m guessing that I wouldn’t like it much as it is today. It seems largely to be a destination for people in RVs who enjoy country music revues and the comedic stylings of Ronald Reagan’s favorite comedian, Yakov Smirnoff. Branson will never get my money unless something changes.

I think you could qualify a mass influx of adult film workers as “something changing.” All of a sudden, Las Vegas has a rival. Drug dealers, sex workers, and Hummer dealerships would flourish. A seedy underbelly would develop in a matter of minutes. I’ve even got a new tourism slogan:

“Branson, Missouri: A Tale of Two Cities”

Awesome, right?

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