6 Theater Snacks That Should Have Died Before Dippin’ Dots

Friday, November 4 by

Watermelon Seeds

I had to include this because I was browsing a message board (last comment on the page) when a poster mentioned offhand that his favorite movie theater treat was “sunflower or watermelon seeds.”

Zuh?

So many issues with this I don’t know where to start.

a. Any snack that involves you regurgitating 85% of its mass into a plastic bottle in close proximity to strangers is probably ill-advised as a theater concession.

b. Sunflower seeds are salty and gross. I could understand if that’s what you’re relegated to, but no theaters sell these, so I can only assume that you are smuggling in sunflower seeds. Weird.

c. Watermelon seeds? Really? I didn’t even know that those were a thing people ate. I have never seen watermelon seeds sold ANYWHERE, least of all a movie theater, so not only is this message board denizen (an ADMINISTRATOR of the board no less) bringing in his own watermelon seeds, but he’s digging his stubby little fingers through a slimy watermelon, removing the seeds, collecting them, then roasting them.

d. Either that or he’s in the theater eating watermelon at such a rapid rate that he’s able to get enough seeds, and considers them the focus of that endeavor. This scenario is so gross I want to kill myself.

Ok. This isn’t standard theater fare, so it doesn’t really fit the scope of this list, but I’m having a hard time coming up with movie snacks I don’t find delicious, and I REALLY wanted to talk about this guy and his watermelon seeds with someone. Thanks for listening.

Black Licorice

Granted, since we aren’t experiencing a huge wave of German immigrants like we were at the turn of the century (last century, smartass), black licorice has thankfully fallen out of favor. Which is good, because it’s dogshit. If I’m going to endure that taste, I better be getting drunk, which is like my anise flavor to come in Sambuca form only, thank you.

So, if black licorice doesn’t exist on its own anymore, why do I have a beef with it? Because, it, along with whatever flavor “green” is, has infiltrated Jujy Fruits, an otherwise delicious assortment of fruit chews with just the right amount of chewiness and waxiness.

But since black and green constitute 40% on the box (orange, yellow, and sweet, sweet red are the other flavors), I end up paying something like $7.50 for the full amount of sweets, and am also tasked with the unpleasant duty of separating the shitball flavors and dumping them on the theater floor.

Consequently, the theater has to hire extra custodians to sweep up the foul candies that no one wants, increasing their overhead, and requiring them to charge even more for tickets just to break even.

High movie ticket prices are due to black licorice, and whatever flavor “green” is.

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