6 Theater Snacks That Should Have Died Before Dippin’ Dots

Friday, November 4 by
In Korea, they let you pick out the puppy you want to eat during your movie. You can't prove that's not true.  

It was revealed today that Dippin Dots, the ice cream of the future, may very well become a novelty of the past. The company just filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. I find this odd because I remember Dippin’ Dots when I was like 13 years old. I’m now 31. It took them 18 years to become insolvent? That’s amazing. I can’t imagine Dippin’ Dots were getting more popular during that time. I guess the owner was slowly selling his organs to cover operational costs, and his Guatemalan physician finally said “No mas. Va a morir, Senor Deepeen Dot!”

Well, I will admit that their demise is overdue, but it boggles the mind that they went belly up before so many other craptacular theatertreats.” When you’re paying roughly the same for theater snacks by the ounce as you are for gold bullion, you should never be let down, but these six offenders do it again and again, no matter how many times I yell at them.

That’s right. I yell at my candy.


As best I can tell, a Sno-Cap is a chocolate chip covered with microsized sprinkles. That’s just two toppings put together. That’s not a snack. That’s bullshit.

My diligent research has just informed me that the little things covering the chocolate chips are called nonpareils. “Nonpareil” means “unequaled,” so I can only assume that these little white balls are called “nonpareils” because they are unequaled in their awfulness.

Also, the chocolate is semi-sweet. I swear to God. They don’t even use milk chocolate?

This country’s going to hell.

Dots (Non-Dippin’)

Dots are made by Tootsie Roll, and their only use is fusing together the eater’s upper and lower molars for five minutes at a time. They have no discernible taste, their texture is dangerously sticky, and they cost a lot of money. This candy is worse than Dippin’ Dots and should have gone out of business before my grandfather was born.

Would the person who still buys Dots please stop? I feel like it’s just one Monty Burns-type character who is keeping them in circulation just to piss people off.

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