We can stop the scope of this biopic right around 1988. A good 15 years or so before that Osbournes phenomenon on MTV. I enjoyed watching that show, but it’s well-worn territory. Further, how great would it be to watch him get in “Krell wars” (contests to see who could snort the most cocaine) with David Lee Roth in 1978 knowing that he would wind down his career eating takeout chicken on a reality TV show with his doughy little children and talk show-star wife?
It would be really great.
He snorted ants, pissed on the Alamo, and lost his savant guitarist when Randy Rhoads’ plane struck Osbourne’s tour bus, killing the plane occupants. Not all compelling stories have to be about love lost and lessons learned. Some can be about jackasses who get away with it.
Possible Title: Crazy Train or (Mumble, Mumble, Mumble) SHAR-ON!
This movie would make, conservatively, $700 billion dollars. No one wouldn’t go see the Bruce Springsteen movie. This guy is everything to everyone. Rich people like him because he’s their connection to the American everyman. Same for middle-class people. Working-class people love him because he’s one of their own that made it, never betraying his roots. And really poor people…well, they can’t afford movies, so it’s not like they’re someone worth marketing to. They will get it from RedBox, probably.
He was the face of middle America for 20 years, and with the tenth anniversary of Sept. 11th coming up in a few short days, his album The Rising has become the tragedy’s de facto soundtrack. He’s endured some hardships, but he’s no pity case, and he still maintains his relevance today, both on his own and through collaborations with the likes of Vampire Weekend and The Gaslight Anthem.
Further, click the video to see how Courtney Cox could easily get attached to this project.
Possible Title: American Grunt
For those who aren’t familiar with the name, you’re probably familiar with his band – U2. No, “Adam Clayton” isn’t the Christian name of Bono, nor of The Edge. Rather it’s the name of the band’s bass player who goes by the stage name of…Adam Clayton.
He’s in the biggest band in the world and, while he may not be anonymous, it’s pretty ridickey-donkey how off-the-grid this guy is. What does he do when The Edge is in Milan for fashion week and Bono is with Obama, discussing what’s to be done with this Darfur situation. Does he play Call of Duty with drummer Larry Mullen Jr.?
The film could also uncover Clayton’s sordid past, such as the harrowing August 1989 evening when he was caught in Dublin carrying a small amount of marijuana. I bet Bono gave Clayton a stern lecture that he didn’t soon forget.
Also, once he was so hungover, he couldn’t play a show in 1993. He gave up alcohol that night. Heady stuff.
Demons to the left. Demons to the right.
Possible Title: Adam Clayton. No. You’re Thinking of Michael Clayton. With Clooney. Yeah. This Isn’t That.