6 Rock Stars Who Deserve Their Own Biopics (Besides Keith Richards)

Wednesday, September 7 by
Her story must be told.  

With news today that Keith Richards is getting traction on turning his memoirs into a film, nd in conjunction with the recent glut of Oscar-fodder biopics such as Ray and Walk the Line, it’s time to say “enough.”

Yes, Ray and Cash and Richards had rich lives that serve as compelling source material for a film, but they aren’t at all fun to watch. The Doors? Not fun. Even a Janis Joplin biopic is in the works. Why do all these films have to end in death? Or enter production decades after a rock star’s relevance?

Let’s celebrate some rock stars of the recent past, both fun and tragic, surviving and passé. Sure, we could wait 25 years to see which acts shake out as “important,” but where’s the fun in such clear hindsight. Here are 9 acts and artists whose stories need to be told, sometimes for the sake of interest, and oft for the sake of comedy.

6. Outkast

Besides still maintaining relevance today (though Big Boi more than Andre 3000), this duo represents a very odd pairing of talents, one a 5’6” traditional hip-hop artist, the other a foppish showman known for blinding as much with his outfits as his lightening-fast delivery. The two met in 1992 at the ages of 16 and 17, respectively, at an Atlanta-area performing art high school. It would be like a non-shitty version of Fame!

Further, it could address their indefinite hiatus without getting all sappy about things. Sure, they might not change the world, but they changed hip-hop, which makes them more interesting to most people than Ray Charles.

Possible Title: An Apology To Ms. Jackson

5. Marilyn Manson

It’s safe to say that, barring a miracle, the clock has run out on his 15 minutes, but I would still like to see how this aspiring demon got to where he was, and how he spends his days now that he is no longer there. What’s on his DVR? Did he shock people by sticking bottles up his ass in high school in Ohio? How did that go over?

If they screenwriters wanted to take a little creative license and just go ahead and say, “Yes, Marilyn Manson In Paul from The Wonder Years” or “Totally! Marilyn Manson had a rib removed so that he could fellate himself,” that would be fine with me. In fact, the latter could be the crux of the third act.

Doctor: Mr. and Mrs. Manson, your son’s surgery is complete.

Mr. Manson: And?…

Doctor: Well, as I said during the pre-op consultation, we won’t know anything for sure for at least four to…

Mr. Manson: Dammit, Doctor! Don’t sugarcoat it! Will my son be able to suck his own dick or not?

Doctor (smiling): It’s looking that way, yes.

(Mother and Father tear up and hug, a bedridden Manson is wheeled out to Edwin McCain’s “I’ll Be.”)

Possible Title: Why the Long Face?: The Marilyn Manson Story

4. Paula Abdul

I mean, when it’s Tina Turner or Janis Joplin, we feel like there’s a lot at stake. The audience is taken on a ride during the neuroses, the violence, the addiction. What if I don’t want to be taken on a ride? What if I just want to watch a batshit crazy person live a train wreck of a life so I can feel better about mine? In that case, I want, nay, NEED the Abdul biopic.

Did her last name cause her to be placed on any “no-fly” lists?

Was there any truth to the rumors that she had an affair with MC Skat Kat during the “Opposites Attract” video?

What is Simon Cowell REALLY like offscreen?

The film would answer all those and more.

Possible Title: Paula, Straight Up

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