Stop making out to your meaningful copy of "Once." It's time to break out 6 rock and roll movies that no human could live through! It's amazing how movies that passively use rock music can be badass, yet movies that actively feature rock music are usually just ass-bad.
First of all, the one with Travolta in it is nigh impossible for any person to live through, with its beauty school dropouts and dudes who talk about those summer nights. "Grease 2" furthers this insult by replacing the stars from the original with everyone’s favorite leading man, Maxwell Caulfield. And Michelle Pfeiffer. Then the story involves gangs. Like the kind of gangs that don’t knife each other. Yeah, no. Just go watch "Hairspray." No, not the one with Travolta in it.
This should have been a match made in heaven: Hollywood underdog Jack Nicholson loads up on mind-altering substances with jaded pop group that wants to destroy their squeaky corporate boy-band image. They even taped their “writing” sessions while on acid, and then made a movie out of what they talked about. If you already hated "The Monkees," which half of America did, then boy this was the movie for you. The already annoying Davy Jones is out to prove a point by boxing, playing violin on the street, and ruining a Nilsson song!
"Rock of Ages"
What if “Glee” and “Coyote Ugly” puked on each other until a horrible mutant movie was born? I guess this was a stage musical first, but digital history is going to outlast Playbill history, so generations from now people will be able to look back on '00s Russell Brand playing '80s Russell Brand and Alec Baldwin playing a pukier version of “30 Rock” Alec Baldwin. Yay culture!
"Rock ’n Roll High School"
Somewhere a producer who liked punk rock once said “Hey, ‘Grease’ is for pansies! Let’s make a rock movie with naked girls and the Ramones!” And his film executive friends said, “Yes! Definitely! Totally! Except let’s remake ‘Grease’ without a story, take the boobies out, and see if people will vomit when your ‘Ramones’ try and act!” Despite DeeDee’s charmingly awful delivery, this thing is truly a work of shart that nobody can sit through.
You can’t really make a documentary about Woodstock. Well, you can, but there’s no way to capture the essence of the experience without covering yourself in mud and taking enough acid to wander around in dehydrated bliss for three days. We’ve actually been told that these options will be made available when the blu-ray is released in 2014 (but not at Walmart). How else could you live through an entire set of Santana?
"Light of Day"
As the song goes, “Cleveland Rocks,” but this movie smells like Lake Erie and is twice as flammable. This was part of a string of movies in which Michael J. Fox would wear sunglasses and pretty much be the high-class Corey Feldman for the remainder of the 80’s. Oh, the movie, right. It’s not very good. Kudos for dragging Joan Jett and Michael McKean into this mess, and you get a free shot of motor oil if you can spot baby-faced Trent Reznor playing keyboards in the now-defunct Euclid Tavern.