Transformers: The Ride opened up at Universal Studios Hollywood this summer, and by all accounts it’s a terrifically fun romp. That’s right. It’s a romp.

But making a theme park ride out of Transformers seems a little “on the nose.” Rather, I think the next generation of rides should focus not so much on the bombastic lowest-common-denominator films that make all the mouthbreathers “ooooh” and “ahhh,” but rather allow parkgoers to embark on an EMOTIONAL journey that leaves them a little richer for the experience.

Why yes…I do have some examples.

And here they are:

The Darjeeling Limited Train Experience: In 2-D!

Follow three actors who bear passing resemblances to Owen Wilson, Jason Schwartzman, and Adrien Brody as you hop aboard an out-of-service Universal Studios tram and mill about the back streets of the theme park, experiencing a refreshingly dry look at a family dynamic.

A couple caveats on the ride is that all passengers must dress in era-agnostic clothing, and all cell phones must not only be turned off, but destroyed. This ride will not be suitable to persons suffering from narcolepsy, young children, or anyone allergic to deep cuts from The Kinks.

Amistad: The Log Ride!

Being a slave has never been so much fun as passengers her steer a rustic seaworthy ship to and fro in the face of crashing waves and angry, whip-happy slavetraders. The ride will have Steven Spielberg’s seal of approval as he publicly announces at the grand opening of the ride that this is “exactly what he had in mind when he got involved with the film in 1995.”

All participants will sign waivers stating that the whole idea is in no way racist, but rather an exploration of a subject too taboo to discuss…until now.”

All the passengers on the slave ship will be given old food, bolts, and miscellany to throw at the Darjeeling Limited passengers when the two rides’ paths cross.

Interactive AND meta.

Everything Must Go Real-World Yard Sale

This isn’t so much a ride as it is a sort-of souvenir shop that allows paying customers to walk through the shambles of Will Ferrell’s character’s life, picking up many of the items at INSANE discounts. Everything must go, indeed.

Christopher Jordan Wallace, son of the Notorious B.I.G., won’t be able to reprise his role as the spunky black kid, but audiences will be equally charmed by another, less popular black actor that they won’t be able to tell apart.

Items for sale include blenders, family photos, souvenir beer steins, and even Ferrell’s character’s shirt.

The 25th Hour Jambaroo

What would you do if you only had 24 hours before you were sent to prison for years on years? This ride will force you to examine just that. Would you spend quality time with your family? Would you cheat on your girlfriend in an ecstasy and champagne-fueled bender?

This ride assumes that you would choose the latter as a slow-moving trolley shuttles you through an evening of strip clubs, drunken buddies, and drugs as you inch closer to your inevitable fate. Just moments before being released from the safety harness, you are greeted by tearful friends and family who reluctantly beat the hell out of you so you’re not too pretty to last in prison.

Check In To Hotel Rwanda

This is one stay you won’t soon forget, as you are offered sanctuary along with other innocents as rebels, insurgents, and opportunists literally beat down the door. This ride doesn’t offer eye-popping imagery, whimsical nostalgia, or anything of that sort. Rather, this ride is similar to thrill coasters in that its main offering is unmitigated terror.

The nice thing about this ride is that the premise is incredibly cost-effective. Rather than hiring engineers to build tall coaster towers and tons of staff to ensure the ride runs smoothly, why don’t you terrify customers the old fashioned way: By having an uneducated black child wave a battered AK-47 in their face.

It will have people talking!!!


What’s in the box? You’ll find out if you’re able to brave the line for this popular ride to find out that only in a world this shitty can vain, fat, and slutty people be called innocent!

Cutting off your fingertips is optional, but you’ll have something to write about in your meticulously-kept journal as you negotiate a tour of a non-descript dreary city with your disillusioned loved one, constantly on the tail of a man who delights in ridding the world of scum.

When the ride is over, visit the Se7en Fun Center to see how accurately you can remove a pound of flesh from a pig carcass, see if you have the leg strength to kick a fat person until he hemorrhages, or glue a cell phone to your own hand and see if you would rather opt for the painless death or brave the world disfigured.

All this and more awaits fun-loving parkgoers at Se7en!!!