6 of the Lamest Horror Villains of All Time

Wednesday, November 16 by John Coon

A horror movie rises and falls with its villain. Since virtually everyone on the good side of the equation seems to be a cookie cutter character, it's left up to the villain to turn a story into a horror classic. Do it right and you get a monster like Dracula, Frankenstein or Norman Bates that can haunt the dreams of virtually every person. Do it wrong, and you get a person walking out of the movie theater laughing their heads off. These six horror movie villains are the type that will never make you feel afraid when you are alone in the dark:

Leprechaun. It's a safe bet that Jennifer Aniston conveniently omits "Leprechaun" from her movie resume these days. Honestly, no one would blame her if she does. A killer leprechaun going after people who steal from his pot of gold? Sounds like the punchline to a terrible joke. To make it worse, this leprechaun (played by Warwick Davis) dispatches one victim after another while dispensing terrible Irish-themed puns. Honestly, the Lucky Charms cartoon leprechaun inspires more fear. What more can you say about a villain who is vulnerable to death by four-leaf clovers?

Chucky. It may not seem like Chucky, the maniacal doll, was meant to be anything but a tongue-in-cheek horror villain after "Bride of Chucky" and "Seed of Chucky." But the original "Child's Play” is not played for laughs. Too bad, because the whole premise behind a killer doll is laughable. Any adult who meets their end because of a doll is the sort of person who inspires dumb blonde jokes. It's hard to feel threatened by a killer that is barely a foot tall and made of plastic.

Santa Claus. On the surface, it might seem like a good idea to turn a beloved Christmas icon into a horror film bad guy. After all, the thought that Santa sees you when you are sleeping and knows when you are awake does inspire a certain level of creepiness. Still, it's hard to picture a jolly fat man in a big red suit being capable of mass slaughter, like in the films "Silent Night, Deadly Night" and "Santa's Slay." The problem is that Santa's excessive milk-and-cookie fueled belly would put him at a severe disadvantage with any potential victim that has an ounce of mobility.

The dentist. Look out for that root canal from hell! Most people are not comfortable spending time in a dentist's office. Still, the thought of a dentist murdering patients or disfiguring their mouths is wholly implausible. Just pulling the wrong tooth is enough to get a dentist buried under a mountain of lawsuits. Movies like “The Dentist” and “Dr. Giggles” that turn dentists into killers inspire more unintentional laughter than cowering under the blankets.

The snowman. "Jack Frost" takes horror villainy to stupid new levels with this story about a serial killer that comes back to life as a snowman. There are so many ways to combat a snowman out to butcher you with an icicle. A blow dryer, a space heater, a fireplace, a stove. Basically, anyone with half a brain realizes that snow melts. Which tells you how much of a brain the writers had who came up with this script.

Killer plants.Remember when M. Night Shyamalan made good horror movies like "The Sixth Sense" that contained genuine scares? It seems like another lifetime after seeing him create nonsensical garbage like "The Happening" where the whole premise centers on plants turning against humans and causing them to violently kill each other in mass numbers. The last thing that movie audiences want in a slasher film is a thinly disguised environmentalist preach-fest about how humans are destroying the world around them.

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