6 Movie Characters Who Have A Better Life Than Tom Brady

Monday, January 23 by

Willy Wonka – Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Willy Wonka has pulled off the most impressive feat of anyone on this list. He’s managed to make billions of dollars running a candy empire, dress in garish yellow suits, and take kids on private guided tours, all the while NOT being accused of pedophilia. That’s much more impressive than winning three Super Bowls or going 16-0 in the regular season. Do you have any idea how hard it is to not be accused of being a pedophile after To Catch a Predator? Pretty much the only thing you can do that is considered pervy is sit on your couch, drink an Old Milwaukee, and watch a John Wayne movie. Anything else a person can do can be construed as an attempt to bang a little kid.

Brady was walking a fine line of creepiness with that just-long-enough-to-be-in-a-ponytail haircut.

Jabba the Hut – Return of the Jedi

Yeah, he’s a big fat alien that can’t really move, but he’s really, really rich, and enslaves women to be his sexual playthings.

Now….I’m not saying that I encourage the capture of women as sex slaves. I’ve always felt that is a moral grey area that every person must pick their stance on. Further, I don’t presume to know much about other cultures on Earth, let alone space cultures. So if sex trafficking wasn’t “frowned upon” in space the way it is in the United States, and if that was what Jabba enjoyed, you have to admit that he’s living a pretty charmed life. I mean, it’s one thing to be married to Gisele. It’s another thing to be married to Gisele with the fear that one day a big fat horny alien will send a badass bounty hunter (Boba Fett) to steal my wife and make her do weird sex things while wearing an erotic outfit.

Advantage: Hut.

Some also-rans whose lives aren’t QUITE as great as Brady’s for one reason or another:

Bruce Wayne – Constant fear of bats

Richie Rich – Looks too much like Macauley Culkin

Lucious Malfoy – First name “Lucious”

Patrick Bateman – Crappy business card

Tony Stark – Impotent (probably)

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