Stop us if you’ve heard this one: Tom Brady is going to the Super Bowl. Yesterday, after divine intervention sent a Baltimore Ravens field goal wide, the New England Patriots became destined for Indianapolis. Normally, a trip to Indianapolis wouldn’t be terribly exciting, but considering Super Bowl XLVI is being played there in a couple weeks, a trip to Indy for the Pats is a pretty sweet deal. With the glory resting firmly on the shoulders of New England’s quarterback, this recent turn of events leads us at Screen Junkies to wonder if any human being on the planet is living a sweeter existence than Brady.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to even find fictional characters that have better lives than Tom Brady? He’s married to Gisele, he’s played in four Super Bowls, and would be four-for-four were it not for David Tyree’s impossible helmet catch in Super Bowl XLII. He’s also handsome as can be, among the most famous athletes in America, and he made $30,000,000 last year, which was almost three times what I made.
The point is that’s it’s hard to dream up a better life than the one Tom Brady is actually living. But Hollywood has managed to do it on a few occasions.
So we give you six fictional film characters that have better lives than Tom Brady. Yup. We could only find six. After a century of cinema, only 6 creations have better lives than this man actually does. Must be nice, Tom.
You son of a bitch.
Forrest seems to like everyone, he’s somehow taken part in every major aspect of American history since the Korean war, and he made a metric shit-ton of cash by investing in Apple. And to top it all off, he’s an idiot, which makes life even better because the more of an idiot you are, the happier you are overall. In my experience.
So Forrest is richer than Tom Brady, less good looking, and is vital to this nation’s history. However, he’s not very famous, and Jenny is no Gisele. Jenny is the anti-Gisele.
The only thing that keeps him from topping out on this list was the presence of that stone-cold bitch Jenny in most of his life. She died, but not before saddling him with a son, and possibly, AIDS. Those are two big ones.
So Forrest has had some hardships, but I think he’s the only entrant on this list who can go toe-to-toe with this guy:
Technically, he may not be a movie character, but since I’m sure he’s appeared in some fictional films at some point in his fictional life, I’ll allow it.
Despite the fact that this guy is purportedly “the world’s most interesting man,” I’m not sure I’d choose to talk to him over Tom Brady at a cocktail party. For some reason, I’m more concerned that the world’s most interesting man would sleep with my date than Tom Brady would. Which is bad for me, but good for TWMIM. In fact, TWMIM could probably sleep with Gisele if he really wanted to, which means the count is in interesting man’s favor.
With his anecdotes, he’s like a real-life J. Peterman, only TWMIM doesn’t need Kramer to write his stories.
Also, no one will ever accuse TWMIM of being a pretty boy. Look at that face. That face tells a story.