You know what’s fun? Toys. But they can’t be everything. Nothing can replace the precious medium of human interaction. Wait. Talking toys can. Talking toys take the fun of toys, and use it as a surrogate for personal relationships, guaranteeing that weird little kids can be left alone and never forced to socialize or even step outside their comfort zone.
Unfortunately, just like people, most talking toys are just insufferable. They whine, spazz out, and occasionally straight-up murder you. Again, just like people. So be careful what you wish for as you vet this list of toys that talk.
Ted seems to be the best of the bunch. (Note: This post is not paid for or sponsored by Ted, arriving, hilariously, in theaters June 29!) He’s a drinking buddy, a wingman, and a lifelong friend. While he may come across as a little crass or drunk, that’s just part of his charm, dammit. If I had to choose between Ted and Mila Kunis, as I’m sure Mark Wahlberg will have to do at some point during the movie, I would pick…Mila Kunis. It wouldn’t even be close. But I still think Ted would be a pretty nice toy to have come to life, considering he’s just like one of your dumber, less ambitious friends, only he’s a stuffed animal, so he’s not supposed to do anything ambitious with his life.
Most of these other entries will make your life worse in one way or another. Just you wait and see.
See? I told you these toys were going to be bad. When this “Good Guy” doll comes to life, he’s inhabited with the soul of a serial killer. Does he use this newfound depraved soul to track down terrorists and assassinate them, making the world a better, safer place? No. He does not. He just kills people left and right, mashing them in garbage trucks, slitting their throats with scissors, and replacing the blanks in guns with real bullets.
If you recognized that all those acts were actually in Child’s Play 3, where he mails himself to owner Andy’s military academy, then give yourself a hand. You just passed my “Child’s Play Quiz,” which is actually just a thinly-veiled attempt to hide the fact that it’s the only Child’s Play film I have seen.
When Chucky does talk, it’s largely profanity or labored puns immediately before or after he kills someone; it’s not the type of talking that would make you cancel your plans to hold a conversation with him.
For those unfamiliar, Richard Pryor played The Toy in the 1980’s film The Toy. While he didn’t “come to life” or anything, he was a toy, and he talked, so he makes the damn list. In the film, Pryor plays a fledgling professional who is acquired by a rich spoiled boy and made to serve as his personal toy.
It’s funny to think of this happening in real life, mostly because I would think one would treat Richard Pryor with profound respect, even though the guy lit himself on fire using a crack pipe. This was before crack was popular, which makes it even more groundbreaking.
ANYWAY, the boy, Eric, is taken to a department store by his absentee father and offered anything he wants as a gift. Naturally, Eric picks the black janitor (I would have picked the same thing) and hilarity and some heartwarming ensues.
I recommend The Toy even though it doesn’t go as far as it could to condemn human trafficking.
I didn’t really want to include robots/cyborgs/androids on this list, because they aren’t really toys, but that led me to think about what Vicki on Small Wonder really is. She’s created by the patriarch of the family, Ted, and she must be a toy. She’s not performing any tasks for the family, so the only alternative is that the mom, Joan, was barren and couldn’t have any more kids, clinging desperately to this robot-child as her progeny. This is pretty damn heavy if it’s the case, so I’m just gonna call Vicki a toy.
She talks, but mostly like a robot. Also, she demonstrates superhuman strength and speed, so pity the high school boy that receives a handjob from her a few years down the line.
(Yup. That’s the whole damn movie. Enjoy.)
“I’m a real boy!”
Not really, Pinicchio. Real boys don’t have growing noses and talk like their genitals are trapped in a vice. But he is a toy come to life. Which should remind us all how crappy toys used to be. A wooden marionette is only slightly more fun to play with than that ball-cup-string thing, and only then because you can at least rip the arms off your toy to demonstrate your disapproval with your gift.
I forget exactly how Pinocchio ends, but the way I choose to remember it is that Pinocchio, after living life as a “real boy” for some time, turns back into a dumb inanimate doll and tossed in a toy chest just before Mt. Vesuvius erupts.
Not sure about that timing, but that’s how I choose to remember it.
I believe The Native America in the Cupboard is more politically correct, but that’s neither here nor there. This Frank Oz-directed film revolves around a small cabinet that breathes sweet life into any object stuck inside it. Rather than playing around with anthropomorphized toasters, electric shavers, and Koosh balls, this dumb kid only puts dolls in there, which is lame, because we all know how dolls act: Like people.
It’s pretty much just like going to a cocktail party, only WAY more offensive to Native Americans.
BOO, INDIAN IN THE CUPBOARD! BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!