Yesterday, the nation watched as Steven Tyler gifted us the sonic equivalent of an ice pick in the brainstem. It happened before the AFC Championship game between the New England Patriots and Baltimore Ravens. Fans were confused at first when what seemed like a homeless Fraggle wandered onto the field. However, confusion grew after they realized who was cameoing and began to scream the lyrics to the National Anthem. Without Joe Perry to lean against, his rendition was screechy and made the cheerleaders weep.
It seems that every time a Boston sports team makes it to a championship game, Steven Tyler is wrapped in fur and trotted out to the field. There are other singers from Boston, you guys. You don’t have to use him consistently. I’m sure that any member of Bell Biv Devoe would be thrilled to take the gig.
That said, weird. Here are a few other weird places Steven Tyler popped up in where he didn’t belong.
Never one to miss the opportunity to caterwaul or linger his eyes on girls a quarter his age, it only makes sense that Steven Tyler guest-starred as Santa Claus on Lizzie McGuire. He’s the first person I think of when I’m trying to cast Santa in my head. Sorry, Kenny Rogers. All of your work has been for naught.
Apparently rubbing up on some teen strange wasn’t enough to sate Steven Tyler’s yuletide yearnings. The King of Christmas also had a cameo in Robert Zemeckis‘s The Polar Express as an elf that screams at the top of his lungs. Not sure why they need an elf for that, but this casting makes absolute sense to me. If you’re going to piss fire on the Uncanny Valley in order to scare children, you might as well pick a singer with as strange a face as possible.