Many people shoot for romance "just like in the movies", but abstinence may not be such a bad idea once you consider your first time with a creeper, ghost, mutant, animal or any combination of the above. Here are six first-time scenes that show sex can be scary.
"Fast Times at Ridgemont High"
Jackson Browne be damned! It doesn't get any easier to watch Jennifer Jason Leigh lose her cherry in a dugout to a mall stereo salesman upon repeated viewings. And Phoebe Cates told us it would hurt less the more we do it.
The universal dude-tonic to that cornball pottery scene in "Ghost", this scene is actually "scary" by default, since it depicts Dan Aykroyd humping a foxy lady-spirit. The second reason why this is scary is that getting blown by a ghost is probably the coolest thing Aykroyd has ever done. Hey, if you have to peek, do it in the spiritual sense.
"The Basketball Diaries"
You guys know the old saying: "You never forget your first time in a New York City subway bathroom with a crusty old man to satisfy your smack habit." There are plenty of high times for Leonardo DiCaprio's strung-out Catholic school baller, but they come crashing to earth when he eventually has to turn tricks in a subway bathroom just to get his next fix. You'll never forget to the lock the stall door after this little scare, that's for sure.
"The Virgin Suicides"
Sofia Coppola's sun-bleached serenade features a hopelessly smitten Lux falling for the school stud, Trip Fontaine. After Trip scores her virginity on the football field, Lux awakens alone, a long walk of shame ahead of her. Scary lesson to the jerko jocks: the girl you used might go on to have a string of meaningless sexual encounters before performing ritual suicide along with four of her sisters, cursing your name and haunting you for all eternity. Just doesn't look good in the yearbook, bro.
If any movie acts as a deterrent for unprotected teenage sex, you'd have to go with the one that features a token virgin-slayer who abhors condoms and unknowingly infects his conquests with HIV. Wait a minute-is this guy friends with Trip Fontaine?
"Howard the Duck"
One can only wonder how on earth Lea Thompson's agent ever tricked her into appearing in this movie. Clearly any measure of the truth would've been far too scary: "Lea, you get to do a love scene with a duck…Okay, okay, not a duck, but a midget….How about this? A duck-midget! Yeah! You're gonna do it with a duck-midget!"
"Romeo and Juliet"
DiCaprio, who must've been choking back vomit while he had to make sexies with that frumpy girl from "My So-Called Life". The only relief from this horror is that everybody dies at the end, guaranteeing no sequels.
"Gremlins 2: The New Batch"
Greta the Gremlin is the unsung pioneer of the LBGT monster movement, people! She took the proper medication to change her sex, landed herself a nice American guy with a steady job and earned her right to marry! Sure, the average horndog keeps staring at Phoebe Cates, but that hairpiece on Robert Picardo and that green tranny puppet got somethin' special goin' on. Thanks, childhood!