China’s State Administration of Radio, Film, and Television announced plans yesterday to curb “overly entertaining” TV programs on the country’s 34 satellite stations so that the timeslots can be filled with more cultural and educational programming. The order (I guess they do things by “order” over there) also says that popularity and ratings can’t be the only criteria for determining whether to air a show.
Banning “overly entertaining” shows is certainly a drastic move by the Chinese, but fortunately, that move creates a vacuum which many awful American shows can fill. Consequently, I would like to offer up these synopses to the Chinese government, so that they may see how not-“overly entertaining” these shows really are and perhaps take them off of our hands.
This is a show hosted by an American personality named Guy Fieri. Guy Fieri is to humanity what southwestern eggrolls are to your regular eggrolls – a horrible bastardization. In case China is unfamiliar with Guy Fieri, he has bleached blonde hair, wears bowling shirts and sweatbands all the time, and pretty much acts like a big plate of nachos everywhere he goes. He’s everything you hate about us. No one will like him.
On the show, contestants have 60 seconds to do something really stupid in order to win money. You can see a list of the things they have to do right here. It is sort of like a Japanese game show, and I’m not sure how you get along with those guys, but I remember there was some unpleasantness a while back.
This show features two things that you would probably like a lot individually: Rachel Bilson, who’s really cute and awesome, and medical dramas, which are pretty fun as well. But the combination of Bilson and medical dramas just doesn’t make much sense. And it’s set in the American south. You would NOT like the American south, I’m guessing.
Other non-entertaining aspect of this show: Bilson’s character’s nemesis is named Brick, and Brick’s daughter is named Lemon. You will find that some of these names are actual words, which is actually a pretty uncommon practice in our culture. In your culture, your names mean awesome things like “Dragon Warrior” or “Delicate Flower.” We decided to name our people “Brick” and “Lemon.” Go ahead. Look those two up. Pretty ridiculous, no?
Chinese audiences will have no idea what to make of this phenomenon, and spend most of the show wondering why a man is named after a structural block of dried mud. That doesn’t make for great television.