Netflix's stock price took a tumble yet again last week, falling another 10%, down to about 113 bucks per share off a June high of 300 or so. Its recent PR troubles regarding rate hikes and lost movie licenses have found even diehard Netflix enthusiasts turning cold to the juggernaut at best, and, at worst, jumping ship to Hulu and other competitors.

While many take pleasure in seeing giant corporations falter, Screen Junkies doesn’t fall into that camp. We wish Netflix and its shareholders nothing but a smooth rebound and return to financial stability and future growth. As such, we’ve laid out a strategy for the rental-by-mail/streaming company: diversification.

The company already has the infrastructure in place to ship and receive most anything, so why stop at DVDs? Here are 5 other things that Netflix should be renting in order to win back the hearts and minds of Americans.


Don’t kid yourself. Potpourri smells amazing. But, as a man I am never inclined to buy potpourri when I’m shopping because I don’t want to be the dude standing in the checkout line with a big basket of potpourri. Gross.

But what if you could have potpourri of your choosing sent to your house in a discreet brown bag that simply said “Pornography” on it in big block letters? Your life would probably change, right? Well, Netflix could make this life-changing dream a reality. When your potpourri scent begins to fade, just send it back and the next potpourri in your queue will be sent out upon receipt of the previous potpourri.

Sure, you couldn’t smell the potpourris to know which one you find most agreeable, but we’d have really descriptive names like “Blueberry.”

Who wouldn't want their house to smell like blueberries?

What the f*ck is wrong with you that you don’t want your house smelling like f*cking blueberries?

Copies Of BitTorrent For Dummies

Just imagine how much money Netflix would make if they allowed people to check out and rent this book, which teaches even the least web-savvy individuals how to download movies and episodes, or even entire seasons of their favorite shows. ALL FOR FREE!

People will be climbing over one another to get on Netflix to rent this book to learn how they can enjoy thousands of movies, all without having to pay subscription fees to companies such as Netflix!

If Netflix wants to grow, they should find a way to capitalize on the skyrocketing popularity of torrent sites. It’s the wave of the future!

Day Laborers

Move over, Home Depot! Netflix could absolutely OWN the landscape of gray-market immigrant labor with Netflix: ¡Trabajo Hoy!, a new service that lets members rent a person for manual labor for as long as they need them, with no late fees. The tiered pricing system allows members to pay for laborers that they use. No more and no less.

• $1200/month: 1 worker (good for landscaping, light bodyguarding)
• $1900/month : 2 workers (good for moving a small apartment, cooking meth)
• $2500/month: 3 workers (backyard wrestling audience, search for a bone marrow match)

When you’re done, just leave them out front. The cops will pick them up in no time.

VHS Tapes (Ironic, for Hipsters)

The nice thing here is that hipsters would only want to check-out the same eight titles, so breadth of inventory wouldn't really be an issue.

What’s that? You want to know what titles the hipsters would want? OK.

• Mr. Mom
• Big Trouble in Little China
• Harold and Maude
• The Mask 2
Office Space (some movies are so great they transcend pretension)
• Snake Eyes
• 8MM
Con Air
• Space Cowboys


Everyone likes puppies, so it stands to reason that Netflix could make a pretty penny offering a puppy delivery service that allows people to check out a puppy (breed of their choosing) and keep it for as long as they would like. The great part is, you will always have puppies, never full-grown dogs!

You’re probably wondering what happens to the puppies when they grow up and are no longer cute. Don’t worry, it’s nothing bad. They’re simply crushed into cubes, and those cubes are stacked in a cold-storage warehouse until future generations find a use for adolescent dogs that have been crushed into cubes.

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