5 Suggested Additions To A&E’s “Reality” Lineup

Monday, April 16 by
No one ever went broke belittling, patronizing, and insulting the American public.  

Like an atom bomb, news hit last week that A&E will be renewing Storage Wars, Storage Wars: Texas, and Shipping Wars for 26 episodes each. That means that, starting this summer, people will be treating to 78 new episodes of how things are shipped and stored. People who would like a third of them to take place in Texas will be especially pleased.

Given the success of these shows, we’re sadly past the point where we can make fun of the subject matter (though shows about cake are still fair game), so let’s begin a discussion in earnest of where middle-American reality television goes from here.

Day Care Wars

Know your market. Joe Sixpack and Jane Sixpack-Of-Wine-Coolers burn the candle at both ends to put food on the table, but there isn’t always enough left over to enroll the young ones in a “good” day care center. So, rather than leaving children with a meth-head or some doctor that performs abortions with his bare hand, why don’t they leave their children, free of charge, at a state-of-the-art day care facility owned by A&E’s parent company.

Of course, there’s a catch. Catches, actually. The children’s formative years will be captured on camera by an extremely intrusive production crew. The footage will be edited so that the toddlers are given a distinct “personality” for America to love or hate. These “personalities” could be: the bitch, the closeted toddler, the anorexic pill-popper, the hippie, and the slut.

Once the show has been cast, the day care center will be divided up into two camps, and the camps will compete in a bevy of different events to determine who the better toddlers are. Events will range from Red Rover to freeze tag to TV tag to TV freeze tag. There will be also more direct physical match-ups, which means that the toddlers will team up with strength and conditioning coaches, as well as hand-to-hand combat instructors that will teach krav maga, submission wrestling, drunken boxing, and ji kun do (the way of the fists).

Most of the participants of Day Care Wars will not survive.

Hillbilly Hand Abortions

Sure, it will be controversial, as many believe that abortions stop a beating heart, and most every decent person will be completely repulsed by the idea of pregnancy being terminated with some backcountry hick’s bare hand. However, Game of Thrones shows gross stuff like this all the time, and it’s a crossover hit, so don’t just offer up a knee-jerk reaction. Really think about it.

And think about the cast of characters! Sure, there will be some eccentric rural folk both giving and receiving the abortions, but I guarantee that the people performing the procedures will be doctors (how irresponsible would we be if that wasn’t the case?), so maybe this show could go a long way towards changing some perceptions about rural Americans.

Also, you’d want to put the production company on a VERY secure lot, because it would get firebombed about once every four hours.

Kansas City Wax

We’ve got LA Ink, Sunset Tan, and myriad shows about hairstyling, so let’s push the envelope a little further by not only going with a less-celebrated-but-equally-glamorous trade (waxing), but also spotlighting one of the “flyover” cities that the mainstream media seems so quick to ignore.

Fortunately, Kansas City has the hairiest residents in all of America*, so there’s little doubt that the folks at Kansas City Wax will have their work cut out for them. Further, audiences will get to go on BEHIND THE SCENES at waxing salons. The talcum powder, the ingrown hairs, it’s ALL GOOD!

Also, dog waxing. You’ll have to see it to believe it!

*I made this up. It’s probably not true

Tractor Wars

A chain is tied to two tractors. The tractor that is able to pull the other one over a line between them wins the tractor war.

Gimme Back My Dog!

A team of collection agents-for-hire is assembled and billed as a “Canine Recovery Unit.” The program will offer a Law & Order-type introduction:

In the deep south, dog disputes are an unpleasant way of life. Too hostile and trivial for conventional law enforcement, the location and recovery of these animals is tasked to:

The Canine Recovery Unit

Made up of various dog catchers, washed-up bounty hunters, and sexy blondes, this motley crew will often provide “ridealongs” for celebrity guests such as Selena Gomez, Rick Santorum, and Motley Crüe.

The Baha Men have expressed an interest in performing the theme song for the pilot episode.

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