5 Puppet Movies That No Child Should Ever See

Friday, January 20 by Frost

marionettes

Puppets are kind of creepy. They're lifeless, but through some external operator they get the power of movement and speech. Sometimes, these even take on a life of their own, and that leads to marionette manslaughter. No child should ever have to ponder whether or not their favorite stuffed animal might like the taste of blood, so bury these five puppets movies flicks deep in your backyard so no child will ever see them.

“Team America: World Police”

Team America

Even though the school bus and the playground are probably going to teach children the swear words they’ll need for adult life, there’s no need to reinforce it with “Team America: World Police”. It's a hilarious movie for grown ups, but it's a nice mental scar for everyone still too tiny to ride a roller coaster. The puppet sex scene alone makes this a no-no for kids.

“Meet the Feebles"

meet the feebles

Most of you have secretly suspected that Oscar from Sesame Street might have a bit of a drug problem, or at least a mental illness, but thinking about it and seeing it play out on screen are two completely different things. “Meet the Feebles” might leave a child sleeping under the bed so the monsters do get him, as it’s one big puppet movie explosion of adult antics. Between watching the scene where Wynard shoots up or the puppet sexual assault scene, you can rest assured that just by keeping the kid from seeing this movie you’ll save on future therapy bills.

“Child’s Play”

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Kids' imaginations work overtime; they do not need any more problems with toys than they already have. Whether it’s suspecting Mr. Zuffles of stealing from their piggy bank or finding out their Hippo is stealing covers, kids could use some de-stressing. “Child’s Play” offers up a serial killer “enhanced” doll that has zero interest in trying out a new pacifistic way of life. Chucky’s fight scene with the mother is one that’ll give any rug rat nightmares, so unless you’re big on having kids who wet their beds until college, don’t throw your kiddo in front of this flick.

“Dead Silence”

dead silence

If you take away the scary ventriloquist puppets, the bloody tongue removals, and decrepit spirit sightings you still shouldn’t let a child see this movie because it’s not that good. It’s a gross and ridiculous puppet movie not for children so save it until they’re older when this lesson in bad filmmaking.

“Puppetmaster 2: His Unholy Creations”

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If the title didn’t clue you in to its appropriateness as kid-friendly entertainment, maybe you shouldn't have kids in the first place. “Puppetmaster 2: His Unholy Creations” features a puppet drilling into a sleeping man’s brain, along with many other departures from normative puppet behavior. Pass on this horrific puppet flick, and just stick to entertaining your kids with hand puppets.