It’s tough running a country where your major export is bad Photoshopped pictures and news releases that make The Onion look terrible at their jobs. To have a single film, let alone five movies, about North Korea that the glorious leader would hate exist on this enlightened plane is only possible when “He who can colorize a film with a wink” allows it.



Never would “He who allows the sun to rise” let the worst Korea fire upon best Korea even accidentally without terrible retribution raining down from the heavens. Yet in “Guardpost” the South Koreans accidentally fire a few rounds at a North Korean guard station during the training of new recruits and get away with nothing more than a slight hail of return fire. As a mysterious pallor falls upon the soldiers stationed at this DMZ station, rest assured countrymen that never would “He who recycles his pop cans with a 100% adherence” allow you beautiful workers to turn on each other with the bloody, bile-filled violence that happened to the poor military men of sub-par Korea.



A documentary that delves into the lives of former soldiers, prisoners, and dissidents who have escaped from North Korea gives a deeper insight into the conditions and mindsets of the citizens who live there. Kang Chol-Hwan’s story of his internment at a prison camp due to North Korean policy to induct three generations of the family when a “criminal” gets punished is just one of the many worthy stories to absorb in “Kimjongilia.”


“Team America: World Police”

Even in puppet form, never would “He who can eat a thousand fast food tacos without a hint of gastrointestinal distress” lose against Korea’s lead paint eating step-brother, America. Of course “Team America: World Police” fought the great father of the great leader but it was really an alien bug. The true father of the one true Monopoly champion was really back in super Korea fighting off an infection of super rabies while solving the current grain crisis. Thus the great leader’s father did what was right and let America feel like winners while he chose to fight for the world’s hungry bellies. All of you unbelievers should have known it was a facsimile, as never would “He who writes full Haikus using just one syllable” pronounce his ‘l’s as ‘r’s in his song “I’m so Ronery,” which shows how powerful a simple mirror image of the Great One can truly be. As you did not recognize this replica, please report to Super Vacation Fun Time work camp #124 by 9 a.m. tomorrow.



So much misunderstanding with “Silmido" as it portrays an assassination attempt on the president of red-headed step-child Korea when really their mission was to deliver flowers and a hug from “He who sweats the secret ingredient behind Axe body spray.” The rest of the film stands as a testament to the strength of his most excellent leader as lame Korea attempts to hit back with an assassination and ends up doing their own clean up work. Watch the influence of his highness as the South Korean military lays siege to Unit 684 on their bus fortress rather than risk the wrath of greater Korea!


“Over the Border”

Fleeing best Korea for love is like fighting for war, it makes no sense to the supreme ruler and thus it better make no sense to you faithful followers. “Over the Border” or “Silly head who fled the country built on love” tells the heart-wrenching tale of lovers who are separated as Kim Sun-ho flees top Korea for bottom Korea leaving Yeon-Hwa, the love of his life, behind. It is a sad fictional tale for no one would flee under the leader’s loving gaze and compassionate pimp hand but the director couldn’t be swept back into the leader’s arms to be re-educated about love. So go ahead and tear up as the two lovers separate under a bridge with promises of a future together burning bright.