“Wake up, Jigga Man!”
“What time is it?”
“It’s 5 AM! Mervyn’s has already been open for Black Friday for an hour!”
(Jay-Z smothers himself with his own pillow.)
I don’t even have a joke about Beyonce going to a new family. That would just be amazing. The kids would never let her go. If you were 11 years old, would there be a better mom than Beyonce? And don’t say, “My mom is the best mom in the world; I would much rather have had her than Beyonce,” because that’s shit.
If Beyonce is your mom, you’d be running around the house, learning the dance to “Crazy in Love” while the other girls from Destiny’s Child and Kimora Lee Simmons sit in the living room and drink wine and talk about The Help. That would be awesome.
I believe that Beyonce would be the first kidnapping victim on Wife Swap. And if she was able to get back to HOVA, the husband that has to let her go will officially register as “Saddest Man in America.”
These two would certainly spawn the first murder-suicide in the history of Celebrity Wife Swap. Or possibly the first “Instance in Which a Celebrity Wife Is Sold to the Sex Trade While Her Husband Is Fed to Those Giant Pigs Like In Hannibal.” I’m pretty sure neither of those has happened before.
What would happen if Spencer Pratt immediately became a member of your family? Would all the family members start walking around with iPods in their ears? Spencer would probably run to Wal-Mart and buy all the children cameras so that they could take his picture as he walked to the Plymouth Voyager to cart all the kids to hockey practice.
Heidi Montag would probably try to microwave her earrings or something and end up burning down the family’s house, making her the first person to be blacklisted from future seasons of Celebrity Wife Swap.
Honestly, these guys are such good actors, I’m not even sure that a family would notice if they replaced the husband and wife.
(three years later)
“Well, I’ve got a 9 AM call time tomorrow, so I’m going to hit the hay.”
“Call time? What are you talking about, Frank?”
“I’m not Frank. I’m William H. Macy.”
“Huh. Good night, Frank.”
I don’t know much about Felicity Huffman except that she played a transsexual dude in Transamerica, so she’d probably be pretty handy at opening jars and stuff.