I’m not a Taylor Lautner fan. I have never been wronged by the guy. In fact, I don’t even think I’ve ever seen any of his movies. But I’m painfully aware of his presence. I’ve never heard him speak, but should the situation require it, I’m confident I could sketch his abs from memory.

As such, Taylor Lautner has done nothing to my benefit, but occupies a spot in my brain that probably used to hold the quadratic equation or the significance of the Magna Carta or the Battle of Hastings.

God damn you, Lautner. If only you weren’t an actor, I’d have that knowledge back. As such, here are a few jobs I wish Taylor Lautner had instead of “actor.”

Blimp Pilot

Like I said, I have no problem with Lautner, I just think he’s probably not a good actor. For instance, he’s a good-looking guy, but in Hollywood, that and fifty cents will get you a Coke (not coke, mind you, but rather a soda). However, if he held some other job, I might be able to appreciate him a little more.

If I won a trip on the MetLife blimp to get an aerial view of the women’s semifinals at the US Open, I would want to meet the pilot, because when I step into a floating balloon, I like know who’s in charge of my safety. Right then, out of the cabin, Lautner would step around the corner and extend his hand.

“Hi, I’m Taylor Lautner, but please, call me Pilot Taylor.”
“You betcha, Taylor. Thanks for the opportunity this afternoon.”
“Seriously, folks, it’s my pleasure. Is the wife I presume?”

My wife and I would then sit wherever one sits in a blimp and discuss how impressive it is that such a handsome man is a blimp pilot.

Chipmunk Veterinarian

I am keeping it intentionally vague as to whether I mean a vet that treats chipmunks or a general vet that has many chipmunk-like characteristics.

While it would be impressive if he (or anyone, for that matter) was to become a veterinarian, it would be soooo much cooler if he became a veterinarian that exclusively treated chipmunks. Because he so much resembles a chipmunk himself.

Everyone would be all, “I heard that, while in the womb, a small part of his DNA was spliced with chipmunk DNA, and now he feels a kinship to them, so he’s dedicated his life to treating chipmunks to ensure that they have the highest quality of life of any rodent.”

And some other dude would be like, “No, no, no. I heard that he liked chipmunks from a young age and he has spent so much time with them, that he has begun to take on chipmunk characteristics.”

And then the hipster guy in on the conversation would be all, “I was into chipmunks a long time ago, but they’re kinda played out now.”

Kevin Spacey’s Assistant

I’m sure Lautner is very hard-working, so he could complete all the duties required of a personal assistant, but I think the whole time, people would be a little suspect of the arrangement. They’d be all, “Did you see Spacey’s new assistant? What’s his name? Travis? What do you think is going on there? You don’t think…NO! NO WAY!”

And then someone else would be like “Dude. It makes sense. Think about it. When was the last time you saw Kevin Spacey with a date? He took his mom to the Oscars in 1996. I mean, I’m sure the kid makes a good latte and everything, but it’s a little hard to ignore.”

Personal Trainer

[caption id="attachment_229502" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="I would be the black guy in this picture. Taylor would be the other one."]


Again, I know next to nothing about this guy, but I’m comfortable going out on a limb and saying that he would be THE GREATEST PERSONAL TRAINER IN THE WORLD.

If Lautner was standing over me, all, “Give me six more jackknife sit-ups then we take five at the juicebar for a wheatgrass and a Muscle Milk,” I’d be all, “YOU GOT IT TL! ARGH!!!!” When I finished, he’d then give me a high five and be all, “Nice set, Penn.”

Also, while I was doing cardio, he would tell me about his crazy night out, and you know that shit would be dope.

Sometimes we’d meet for beers on our own time.


I have recently learned (like two minutes ago, through a Google search) that a hydrologist studies bodies of water and rain. I don’t know if they spend more time in the lab or in the field, but I think Lautner would definitely be a field guy. I could just see him leading a crack team of hydrological engineers, possibly examining a faulty dam in Nevada, screaming as he gets douched with water, “We’ve gotta do triage on these cracks, there isn’t enough time to treat them all!” (He would have come from a background in civil engineering, so he would be able to address problems in the dam itself as well.)

When someone tells him that the crack is underwater and can’t be reached without a submersible that’s not due to arrive for like 20 more minutes, he’d shove the person out of the way and point to the valley and say something like, “Those orphans? Down there? They don’t have 20 minutes! They don’t have 2 minutes!”

He would then rip off his badge that says “hydrological engineer” in a symbolic gesture, and put a flashlight in his teeth as he swan-dove into the water to seal the crack.

That would actually make a pretty good movie.