The promise of treasures piled high often counteracts breathing in well-aged bat guano and the threat of undead pursuers when you’re out pillaging the dead. With these 5 ancient tomb movies that should have never been opened you will soon realize that your sanity and good taste were much better treasures than your ruby ankh.


The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

The first film was good, clean fun while the second was more a vehicle for Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, but this third film from the franchise seemed to be a half-hearted money grab with some Jet Li thrown in to pull in the fans who made it out of the boredom comas the second film caused. Starting with some old school betrayal, followed by some good old-fashioned tomb robbing, the Dragon Emperor returns to life and the O’Connells and friends are out to stop him from taking over the world with a supernatural army. You know it’s going to be a rough day at the movies when abominable snowmen need to be called in as support for the O’Connells in a scene that just plain hurts.


The Curse of King Tut’s Tomb

From the opening battle between the god Set and Tutankhamun where both have wings for any number of unknown reasons, you know that “The Curse of King Tut’s Tomb” is going to be the kind of movie you won’t stop watching and won’t stop regretting once it’s over. Evil cabal goes up against bright eyed and possibly bushy tailed good guy archaeologist in an all out, global battle to reassemble a tablet broken by Tutankhamun long ago. Amusing and filling like some kind of ancient history junk food, this film definitely should’ve left its tomb door shut as the characters seemingly know the upcoming twists. Watch the scene when the hero Freemont loses his college position only to immediately declare it was the work of the Hellfire council, which is so on the nose it’ll make you wince.


The Mummy’s Hand

Kharis the high maintenance mummy, as he requires a tana leaf concotion every full moon to stay alive through the centuries, stalks an intrepid group of archaeologists on the hunt for the tomb of the mummy’s princess. Horror mixed with enough comedy thrown into the mix makes “The Mummy’s Hand” a blend of interesting and confusing that wouldn’t be replicated until Nic Cage started acting. Between Petrie’s death after checking for a pulse from the mummy and the mummy’s off-camera immolation scene, this tomb should definitely have been left lost.


The Tomb

Anyone without experience from living in the 80's won’t be able to make it through “The Tomb” without going into a seizure from the overdose of pure 80’s stereotypes, clichés, and awesomeness. An Egyptian priestess hunts down the new owners of the valuables that were stolen by a thieving archaeologist from her and bad acting ensues. To truly grasp this film go watch “Indiana Jones and the Lost Ark” and every time you see the cast/crew/story make a good decision for the film, think what would happen if the opposite happened. Forget picking out a favorite scene just watch the first three minutes for all the classics: love of beer, crazy haircuts, big sunglasses, gratuitous explosions, and lackadaisical hand grenade tossing to see why this ancient tomb movie should have been reburied the second it saw sunlight and financing.


The Devil’s Tomb

Under normal situations you should never leave a Perlman behind, especially after “City of Lost Children” and “Hellboy,” but in order to protect civilization and the silver screen it might be okay to leave Perlman buried in this ancient tomb. A small group of soldiers goes on a rescue mission led by a C.I.A. operative and faceplants directly into a supernatural clusterbomb filled with unnecessary dialogue, biblical quotes, and hallucinations that often have no context thus killing their effect. Upon seeing the unexplainably contrived lesbian pustule scene you will agree that not only should this tomb have never been opened but someone should hire a few dump trucks to bury it under even more sand and rock.