Warmth and good cheer give way to blood and brawls in these 3 Christmas horror movies that will make you fear Kris Kringle. Big boned or not, Santa Claus puts down enough cookies in one day to require an insulin factory at the North Pole, thus proving his supernatural powers have conquered basic nutrition and the space-time continuum. Seal up your fireplace, throw the bolt on the door and sharpen your candy cane shiv in the hopes that Saint Nicolas soon won’t be here.
“Silent Night, Deadly Night”
The ornament doesn’t fall far from the serial killing tree as a young Billy Chapman witnesses his parents’ brutal deaths at the hands of a Santa Claus-dressed killer and grows up to wear the bloody red and white mantle as well. The catchphrase of “Naughty” before delivering punishments is darkly amusing, but the second you think about the powers of Santa Claus, you tend to realize Kris Kringle is worthy of fear should he run out of cookies and have a sugar crash. Few things could invoke more Christmas horror in the population than a guy who knows the bad things you were up to, can get into your house and has a team of flying reindeer to track you down. Chapman's death triggers the best assurance that if a buck can be made, the sequel is ready and raring to go.
The jolly fat man and all the candy canes in the world couldn’t take the edge off the horrendous mother, Rose, in “The Ref.” Rose makes Satan look like a newborn kitten as she emasculates her sons with words and debts, having no need to use typical horror weapons: axes and the odd home appliance. What's truly horrifying is that it’s Christmas, so this is Rose’s cheerful face. Throw in a neighbor dressed as Kris Kringle distributing the toxic substance known as fruitcake and you have a Christmas horror movie that will make you fear the holidays not because of gore but the mental torture and agony that it can bring. Leary’s fight with an intoxicated Santa is the highlight that puts the scary angel on top of this film’s Christmas tree.
“Jingle All the Way”
nog” as it’s known on the streets, Christmas is a time to put down the knives and come together in a celebration of family, friends and food. But you can throw that out the window with “Jingle All the Way” because you’re exposed to a decade's worth of your daily requirement of Sinbad in a few hours. Capturing the nightmare of finding a popular Christmas toy a day before Christmas, this flick has a down and dirty Santa running a black market in knock-off toys, including the pursued Turbo-Man, and he’s got a gang of elves and Santas that will make you fear Kris Kringle. The fight scene between Schwarzenegger and the Santas—candy cane nunchuks included—should be able to brighten your holiday immeasurably. A crowd of Santas with five o’clock shadows and sweating booze is enough to make you switch religions and fear Kris Kringle. Consumerism, shifty Santas and a sleazy Phil Hartman make for the perfect Christmas horror movie.