The completely infallible New York Daily News gossip section claims to have overheard from one of Madonna’s dancers that she is planning on “bringing gay to the Super Bowl.” Considering there hasn’t really been an exciting Super Bowl halftime show since Sir Paul McCartney beat his ex-wife Heather Mills with her own prosthetic leg (may have just been a dream I had), I am completely on board with Madonna doing anything she can think of to break up the monotony of familiar medleys and fireworks.
The question is, how does one “gay up” the Super Bowl? You can’t very well have men or women penetrating each other on stage, so you need to take a less obvious path to gayness. Fortunately, I’ve been tasked with suggesting a few very subtle ways to homosexualize the Super Bowl. Pay close attention to subtext and symbolism here, because, like I said, these are very subtle.
19. Start off her Super Bowl set with, “If your erection lasts longer than four hours…GET UP AND DANCE!”
18. Force Clay Aiken to kick all the extra points
17. Madonna and the NFL Present: A Salute to Drunken, Three-Hour Brunches
16. Sodomize Criss Angel: Mindfreak with a searing-hot Lombardi Trophy that has been resting over burning coals
15. Don a #8 jersey, with the last name “Proposition” stitched on it, then have Justin Tuck tackle her midway through her performance, making a powerful statement about gay marriage
14. Get Carson Kressley to dress Bill Belichick and Tom Coughlin in the same outfit, then at halftime, have the fans in attendance decide “Who Wore It Best?”
13. Assemble 11 shirtless male dancers into an offensive formation known simply as “pig bottom”
12. Pay tribute to the unsung, non-Chicago bears that keep magazines like American Grizzly afloat
11. Do a cover of “It’s Raining Men” while every player in the NFL over the past 20 years parachutes out of a C-130 cargo plane into the stadium (Note: This is only effective if the top of the stadium is open)
10. Do her usual set, just from the inside of a Mini Cooper
9. I dunno…do something with like, a gay Jesus or something?
8. Perform a bunch of Coldplay songs
7. Flash her wrinkly old vagina to the camera, turning an entire nation gay. Except for the women. They’d be straighter than ever.
6. Perform a duet with Cher, then fingerbang the hell out of her
5. Convert the t-shirt cannons to tank top cannons
4. Midway through her set, instruct the audience to reach under their seats, where they will find a small dog in a sweater. Everyone receives a small dog in a sweater whether they want one or not
3. Have Tim Tebow come out of the closet during the halftime show in an event that NBC teases as “the one Super Bowl halftime show TOO SHOCKING to miss!”
2. Talk about the BCS and how “gay” it is that college football doesn’t have a playoff system. Prepare for strong reactions from both BCS supporters and that NoH8 organization
1. Declare, in the event of a tie at the end of regulations, that the winner will be decided based on penetrations. Offer no other explanation and see what happens