The McRib may be “back,” but it never left my heart. As such, I decided to celebrate this BBQ pork cake's return to the national consciousness by presenting a handful of movie foods that are somehow grosser than this pressed pig thing that’s covered with raw onions and pickles.

I managed to get through this whole article without grossing myself out, then I came back to write the intro, and that McRib description just made my stomach turn. At any rate, here are 10 movie foods more disgusting than the McRib. Bon appétit.

Auntie Lee’s Meat Pies – Auntie Lee’s Meat Pies




PEOPLE! AUNTIE LEE’S MEAT PIES ARE MADE OF PEOPLE!

Well, that secret’s out. I suppose that if I was to eat a person, a meat pie wouldn’t be the worst way to do it. It’s better than human sashimi. For those mercifully unfamiliar, Auntie Lee would lure drifters to her trap using hot girls, then grind them up for her pies. I suppose it’s not so gross considering they’re free-range drifters, rather than drifters kept in a cage and loaded with hormones, but still. You could use Niman Ranch pork and no one would know the difference, Auntie Lee!

Plus, anyone who orders a meat pie deserves whatever they get. Yeah, that’s right Britain. I said it.

Fetus Dumplings – Dumplings




They keep you looking young, but so does water and exercise. This film, which originally ran about 25 minutes and was one third of the collection Three...Extremes, stars Bai Ling as Mei, a woman who claims her dumplings are the secret to a youthful complexion. While her skin DOES look great, we find out in short order that the dumplings are made from aborted fetuses, which is probably grosser than the McRib. Probably.

The film was popular enough that it was adapted by Fruit Chan into a feature-length film that is both gross and pretty fun.

The Transforming Chinese Food – The Lost Boys




“Maggots, Michael. You’re eating maggots.”

Rice becomes maggots and lo mein becomes worms as the vampire teenagers in The Lost Boys show how they can alter one’s sense of reality. It turns out to be Chinese food, but it’s hard to shake the connotation it creates between Chinese food and crawly creatures.

Do they contain MSG?


Snickers Bar On The Ground – The Monster Squad




In one of the opening scenes of this fine, fine film, a corpulent boy named Horace is being harassed by a roustabout when the bad-boy-with-a-heart-of-gold Rudy intervenes. Finding that the bully stomped on Horace’s Snickers bar, Rudy makes the bully (Wayne Arnold) pick the bar off the ground and eat it.

It’s not quite as gross as anything else on this list, but when I was seven, this was the most disgusting thing I had ever seen. I was such a dumb kid.

Live Squid – Oldboy




Oldboy, after being contained in a single room for 15 years, is released into the world a little crazier than when he left, as evidenced by his entry into a sushi bar, maintained by his soon-to-be love interest, ordering “something alive.”

He gets a whole squid and pops the whole thing in his mouth before passing out. I get chills just from thinking about eating that. I would rather eat TWO McRibs than that live squid.

They have hard beaks, you know.

Aunt Bethany’s Jell-O Mold – Christmas Vacation




Jell-O molds are gross. Aunt Bethany is gross. Cat food is gross. Aunt Bethany, with her gross old hands, made a Jell-O mold that contains a lot of cat food. The gang politely eats it, seemingly more concerned that she boxed up her cat as a gift, which is actually pretty awesome.

Monkey Brains/Eyeball Soup – Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom




I’m only tolerant of other cultures up to a point. Monkey brains are absolutely disgusting, even when “chilled.” That doesn’t make them better. It makes them slushy and weird. The fact that they’re served out of a skull is a nice touch presentation-wise, but the same effect could be achieved with some co-centric circles of beet puree and chive oil on a square plate.

I don’t think eyeball soup is a real thing either. Eyeballs don’t have a lot of flavor. A bull penis or placenta would impart a much earthier flavor into the broth.


Ray Liotta’s Brain – Hannibal




When I think of the least offensive brains to eat, Ray Liotta’s is near the top of the list. He doesn’t seem to have any mental illnesses, and as best I can tell, he doesn’t have any abnormal shapes that could be indicative of some necrotic protuberance. However, a brain is a brain. And a human brain is the least appealing type of brain. I would eat a wing or a thigh off of Liotta, but consumption of any human brain just seems to have a little too much baggage for my tastes.

Hannibal appears to be a hell of a cook, but I would need more than garlic and butter to choke that shit down.

The Human Centipede Diet – The Human Centipede




Of course, the human centipede is a creation of two or more people sewed together ass-to-mouth so that they share a digestive tract. It’s foul. I don’t have a whole lot of clever commentary here. Having someone shit in your mouth is disgusting, and it’s worse than a McRib. It’s worse than everything, pretty much, unless of course you fed the human centipedes nothing but McRibs.

Napoleon’s Pocket Tots – Napoleon Dynamite




Tater tots are a delicious fried treat. I would eat most any tot no matter where they came from. However, eating ANYTHING out of Napoleon Dynamite’s pocket is just repulsive. I’m not a Napoleon Dynamite enthusiast by any stretch, but I nonetheless feel objective in saying that his pockets are probably filled with some gross stuff. An inch of lint, at least, but also probably really old, crusty mayonnaise, a few of those dirty Wacky Wall Walkers, and some fingernail clippers/clippings.

Napoleon’s pocket tots receive negative two Michelin stars.





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