How To Become A Vampire

Tuesday, September 27 by Arlene McKanic

Learning how to become a vampire is easy, but why anyone would wish to become a vampire is puzzling. The classic vampire must avoid bright sunlight, and immortality, though attractive at first, can give way to maddening boredom as all experiences are experienced and all appetites sated. Vampires who have mortal friends or familiars must watch them grow old and die. Some vampires, as the ones on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", do not have souls, and the ones who acquire souls, like Buffy’s boyfriend Angel, are tormented. The constant craving for blood is disgusting. Being staked through the heart and reduced to dust by a vampire slayer must be painful. On the other hand, vampires appear to be much stronger and faster than mortal human beings, and if they are changed when they’re young, they remain eternally youthful, like the Cullens in the "Twilight" series. And living for a very long time has its perks, like accumulating wealth and knowledge.

Buy a coffin.

Of course, this depends on the type of vampire you want to be. Dracula (Count Orlov in the film "Nosferatu") needed a coffin with a layer of his native soil on the bottom. Other vampires live in attractive modern homes like the Cullens, or apartment buildings like Eli in "Let the Right One In".

Place yourself next to a hungry vampire.

Vampires are always hungry, and are more than willing to feast on a willing (or unwilling) victim. However, vampires appear to be rare. Online social sites or word of mouth might be the best way to meet a vampire. Of course, a vampire can move in next door to you or be in your class at school.

Remove all vampire repelling implements.

These include garlic and crucifixes, though some species of vampire are not repelled by these things.

Do not wear a turtleneck or anything else that can block access to your neck.

The vampire will most likely be in a hurry.

Have a life threatening illness or condition. T

his works well if you and the vampire are friends or have a relationship. Edward Cullen’s sire changed him during the Spanish flu epidemic, thus saving his life. In turn, Edward saved his wife’s life during a difficult childbirth.

-Arlene McKanic

 


 

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