Zombieland Rules

Friday, April 29 by Marina Szaven

Prep up for tomorrow’s apocalypse with the ten best Zombieland rules for life, love, and a world full of hungry corpses. Or did you think Ruben Fleischer’s “Zombieland” (2009) was just another gore-fest comedy sensation? Stop doubting and start reviewing how Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) conquered the new world, and kissed a smoking hot Emma Stone, as a babe named Wichita in the movie.

  1. “Cardio” (Rule #1) The first rule is often the most Important. “When the zombie outbreak first hit, the first to go, for obvious reasons… were the fatties.”  Don’t be one of the “poor fat bastards," get that heart rate up and build up that endurance.
  2. “Limber Up” (Rule #18) As with any exercise program, zombie dodging requires some stretching beforehand. Quick moves and unexpected jumps can pull a muscle. Don’t let it happen to you.
  3. "When in doubt, know your way out" (Rule #22) The end of the world as we know it requires lots of creativity, but don’t forget to plan ahead. “This rule is all about knowing your surroundings and preparing yourself for the worst,” says our OCD friend, Columbus. When the worst is having your arm gnawed off by a smelly, shuffling creature, a Plan B sounds mighty good.
  4. “The Double Tap” (Rule #2)" If your grandma didn’t tell you, better safe than sorry, she should have. ”In those moments when you're not sure that the undead are really dead-dead, don't get all stingy with your bullets…You can avoid becoming a human happy meal.” Of course, the Double Dip, as in twice dipping a chip into some communal salsa or guacamole is still considered gauche. Safety first, but polite is nice, too.
  5.  "Check the back seat" (Rule 31) Zombies aren’t just decaying, they’re sneaky, too. “The last thing you need while driving is to have a zombie crawling up behind you trying to bite you.”
  6.  "Wear Seatbelts" (Rule #4) Safety belts are always one of the best rules of the road, but in Zombieland, the freeways will be obstacle courses. “You won't be driving along easy roads anymore. You need to be ready for a crash!”
  7.  "Beware of bathrooms" (Rule #3) The phrase, getting caught with your pants down, takes on a whole new meaning when zombies are involved. “Just because it's not socially acceptable to climb under cubical doors, it doesn't mean the zombies won't do it. “ Forget about a taking a few peaceful minutes, and get your business done.
  8.  "Enjoy the little things"(Rule 32) As true a rule for life, as for Zombieland. “Without enjoying the little things, it's all too easy for you to lose sanity and peace of mind from the constant stress and pains of staying alive.” Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson) loves his Twinkies, and you should always have a little something to put a smile on your face. Or, as John Lennon put it, “Whatever Gets You Through the Night.”
  9. "Don't Be a Hero" (Rule #17) Columbus called it “Possibly the most important rule of all. Don't risk your own life just to make yourself look good. “ What did being a hero get anybody, but a $20 million movie contract and a chance to make out with starlets. Oh, wait.
  10. "BE a Hero (also Rule#17) Every good rule is meant to be broken. There are times when being a moron is the best Zombieland rule of all. You never know when that moment will come, but when it does, taking a risk can sometimes result in a tongue hockey session with the last hot girl on earth.

-Marina Chavez