Well what have we here? One of my early childhood favorites Teen Wolf is coming to Blu-ray and I, BHunt, get to review it? Don’t mind if I do! Let’s see what this baby has to offer all of us children of the 80s in terms of special features:
-Exclusive first look at MTV’s new Teen Wolf show
-Quit reading these bullet points
How is it possible that this nugget of 80s pop culture has the most bare-bones Blu-ray I’ve ever seen? Certainly there’s promo material floating around out there? Or the people that made it at least have something to say about it? What the hell? This is Michael J Fox in his prime.
Well, if for some reason you haven’t seen Teen Wolf (like you’re under 30) then you might not enjoy it without the sheen of nostalgia to enhance it. That being said, here are some reasons to watch:
-Michael J Fox is the smallest human ever. He’s like a primordial dwarf. In the first scene alone he looks so small playing basketball that it’s laughable.
-Speaking of basketball, Teen Wolf might have the worst representation of the sport I’ve ever seen. Every actor in the movie looks like it’s the first time they’ve ever tried dribbling. It is awesome.
-Scott’s (Michael J Fox) best friend Stiles wears clothes so 80s, that had it not been for the recent hipster revival of all things retro, he would look ridiculous. As it is, he ends up looking pretty cool. He even wears those stupid slit sunglasses that Kanye brought back. AND, he wears a shirt that says “What are you looking at, Dicknose?” He was so ahead of his time.
-Scott’s dad in wolf makeup and eyeglasses = great.
-Scott giving his wolf coif a blow-out before the big dance = greater.
-Scott’s secretly crushing friend Boof, who I think I’ve been in love with since I was 6.
-They go to a really awesome house party.
-The basketball coach’s complete apathy is hilarious.
-The first time the wolf makes an appearance on the court. His swagger is legendary. As is the song they play.
-One of the worst transformation scenes in any werewolf movie ever. It’s so bad they only show it once.
-There’s a rumor that some extra gets his dong out in the very last shot of the movie (top left of the frame). This is patently false. It’s a female, you can see that she has sweater puppies (in the new hi-def transfer leaves no doubt). The scoop is that she was given ill-fitting jeans by the wardrobe department and wasn’t able to button them. Whatever the reason, it is bizarre that they didn’t do another take or use a different shot. Once you see it, you can never NOT look at this girl with her pants unzipped as the movie ends.
The actual transfer of the movie is decent. It’s not great, but that’s to be expected of a movie that’s over 20 years old (it doesn’t look quite as good as its box office rival Back to the Future). It looks good enough in hi-def though. The sound, again, same verdict. This isn’t the Matrix.
As for those bonus features? Say what you will about trailers today spoiling movies (and they really do, almost every time) at least they’re exciting. Every time I see a trailer from the 80s I wonder why anyone would go see the movie it’s promoting. No wonder box office used to suck. The Teen Wolf trailer was awful.
And that exclusive look at MTV’s new Teen Wolf series? Oh my. Wow. It’s like when someone re-edits a movie trailer to make it look like a different genre. This show looks so unbelievably bad I was rolling on the floor. It has to be online somewhere, go check it out. They took Teen Wolf and tried to make it serious. It’s bizarro Teen Wolf. He’s bitten, not born werewolf (which is like half the point of the movie). He plays Lacrosse, the douchiest sport there is. And there are werewolf hunters in the show. Michael J Fox is spinning in his grave. This show makes Teen Wolf Too look like the most faithful follow-up of all time.
So that’s it for this disc. Definitely not worth buying unless you’re already a fan. Grab it on Netflix if you haven’t seen it in a while. If you’ve never seen it, well, if those bullet points sound good, check it out. It really does have some awesome intentionally funny bits and a few unintentionally funny ones as well.