Jim Gaffigan Quotes

Monday, July 25 by Duncan Jones

If you're looking to laugh, check out these Jim Gaffigan quotes. Jim Gaffigan is an Illinois-bred blond comedian who is notable for his stand-up comedy routines, particularly his "Hot Pockets" bit. Apart from stand-up comedy tours around the country, Jim Gaffigan also acts in a variety of Hollywood films, including the comedies "Going the Distance" and "It's Kind of a Funny Story."

  1. "Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother is Elton John." The pale comedian often makes self-deprecating jokes regarding his pallid Nordic physical appearance and also his pudgy bespectacled visage.
  2. "Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen." Jim Gaffigan's jokes are often centered around food and everything relating to it, from Waffle House restaurants in the South and drive-through meals at McDonalds to the horrors of Hot Pockets and the glories of greasy, old-fashioned bacon.
  3. "When you're a house guest and you stay with someone they always have a schedule. They're like, we were thinking breakfast around 7:00. Yeah, think again." A lot of Jim Gaffigan's quotes are focused on laziness, so clearly the comedian doesn't like to have his beauty sleep interrupted any time before noon.
  4. "You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither." Jim Gaffigan quotes, again, are usually focused on his penchants towards laziness and eating, and definitely not on reading the literary classics or going to the library all day.