"You can't do anything in life. Other than golf, it's very restrictive. The social barriers in life are so intense and horrific that every encounter is just fraught with so many problems and dread. Every social situation is a potential nightmare." For all his misanthropy, Larry David really does try to connect to other people sometimes, but it usually blows up in his face. If you regularly stumble into social disasters, now you can justify it with a deep, psychological excuse – and better yet, your unwanted friends and pestering neighbors can enable you by making excuses. It's a win-win.
When Larry's doctor warns him about a "little prick" of pain, Larry cannot resist: "Yeah, there definitely is a prick involved," he says. Doctors might just be the worst offenders, popping your personal space bubble with needle pricks and probing questions – or just probes. That said, there are times to keep your prickly-pear personality to yourself. When you're staring down the business end of a big needle, try not to make the needle-pricker think you are a prick.
"Please, whatever you need. I'll donate anything you want. I'll donate it all. My time, my organs. What do you want? You want a kidney? I'll give you a kidney. What else do you need? I've got a terrific penis. I could donate a penis. I've got a good spleen. Excellent spleen." As if donating his private parts were not enough, this Larry David quote ends in song: "Mr. Spleen gets rid of dirt and grime, and grease in just a minute. Mr. Spleen will clean your whole house and everything that's in it, Mr. Spleen." This is misanthropic misbehavior at its finest: mock generosity with undertones of contempt. Next time someone asks you to commit to donating your time–or a body part–make him wish he had just had you committed instead. Score one for the misanthrope; zero for philanthropy.
"With all due respect, Officer Berg, you are not bald. You've chosen to shave your hair and that's a look you're cultivating in order to look fashionable, but we don't really consider you part of the bald community… with all due respect." As this quote Larry David quote reveals, his misanthropy and misbehavior have far deeper motivations than just a bad attitude. The poor man has suffered under anti-bald oppression. You, too, can claim your oppressed status and wear it proudly to justify your non-neighborly behavior. Just don't shave your head and call it bald, because then you have to deal with the ire of Larry David, and you already know he is not very nice.
- Karrie Higgins