A Guy’s Guide To The ‘Twilight’ Characters

Tuesday, November 15 by

The Cullen Family

The Cullens are a family of vampires who don’t drink human blood. ZOMG! HOW WEIRD! They’re totally like, vampire vegans or something! They are comprised of patriarch Carlisle, a doctor; his wife whose name we can’t remember and doesn’t really matter because she has about as much personality as Bella; some Southern guy who isn’t into not eating people, and his wife who looks like she really needs a sammich; and another couple made up of some dude who is a total bro-ham, and his wife who looks like a fake Portia De Rossi. They’re all super lame except Carlisle, but mostly we just dig his haircut.

Charlie Swan

Charlie Swan is probably coolest guy in the whole series. He’s Bella’s dad and the chief of police. He’s tight with the Native Americans and has a super sick ‘stache. He hates Edward, which is another reason why we like him so much. Don’t mess around with Charlie or he’ll act the fool and cap you with the quickness.

And dang… dat ‘stache.

Other Werewolves

The werewolves all hang out together and jump off cliffs. They scare the crap out of all the other Native Americans and have to protect people from the vampires. If we were going to be anyone in these movies, it would probably be one of the werewolves, because they seem to have a pretty awesome time messing around with motorcycles and wrestling and shit.