Get ready, guys. The new Twilight film, Breaking Dawn, Part I, is coming. This means that at some point in the next month, a girl is going to want to discuss the movies with you, if not actually drag you to a screening. As such, you need to pretend like you care about Twilight, which is a tall order. Luckily, Screen Junkies has you covered. Here’s part one to our four-part guide to understanding as much as you need to understand -- or as much as there is to understand -- about Twilight.

Check out a Guy's Guide to Twilight, The Twilight Saga: New Moon, and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

The Characters

Bella Swan

Bella Swan is the protagonist of Twilight. Her name means “beautiful swan.” Sadly, we aren’t kidding. She is kind of a stand in for Stephanie Meyers, a creepy Mormon lady who clearly wants to be in an abusive relationship with a 100-year old man posing as a 17-year old. She has absolutely no personal qualities other than loving Edward Cullen, and she makes one single bitchface throughout all of the Twilight movies. She thinks she likes Jacob for a little while, but mostly she’s just into having some super-old dude she barely knows tell her what to do all the time.

Edward Cullen

Edward Cullen is Bella Swan’s love. He’s a creepy old man in the body of a 17-year-old boy who is, for some reason, hanging around high school girls. Female Twi-hards think he’s super romantic and ignore what an abusive, crazy dude he is. When Bella is sleeping, he lurks in her bedroom without her knowledge, and when she's awake, he's always telling her what to do. We never get any reason for why Edward loves Bella so much, which isn’t surprising, since she has no personality, and his character has all the depth of and nuance of Tony Danza’s acting.

Also, he sparkles like glitter in the sun and wears a "purity ring" because Twilight is basically Mormon propaganda.

Jacob Black

Jacob Black is a werewolf who is pretty awesome until he falls in love with Bella, at which point he becomes a total vagine. He’s a Native American, which is admittedly pretty rad, as is being a werewolf. He builds motorcycles from scratch with his bare hands, which actually qualifies him as a legit bad ass. Sadly, the fact that he's a bad ass is probably why Bella ends up with Edward. Twilight is basically for depressing fat chicks, and they’d rather see a sensitive lady man like Edward get the girl than a dude with tattoos who reeks of motor grease.

Unfortunately, as the movies go on, Jacob increasingly becomes a thoughtful, sensitive man who knows how to console Bella, cook a romantic dinner, and shop for tampons without even being told what brand to buy.

The Cullen Family

The Cullens are a family of vampires who don’t drink human blood. ZOMG! HOW WEIRD! They're totally like, vampire vegans or something! They are comprised of patriarch Carlisle, a doctor; his wife whose name we can’t remember and doesn’t really matter because she has about as much personality as Bella; some Southern guy who isn’t into not eating people, and his wife who looks like she really needs a sammich; and another couple made up of some dude who is a total bro-ham, and his wife who looks like a fake Portia De Rossi. They’re all super lame except Carlisle, but mostly we just dig his haircut.

Charlie Swan

Charlie Swan is probably coolest guy in the whole series. He’s Bella’s dad and the chief of police. He’s tight with the Native Americans and has a super sick ‘stache. He hates Edward, which is another reason why we like him so much. Don’t mess around with Charlie or he’ll act the fool and cap you with the quickness.

And dang... dat ‘stache.

Other Werewolves

The werewolves all hang out together and jump off cliffs. They scare the crap out of all the other Native Americans and have to protect people from the vampires. If we were going to be anyone in these movies, it would probably be one of the werewolves, because they seem to have a pretty awesome time messing around with motorcycles and wrestling and shit.

The Volturi

The Volturi are the royalty of the vampire world. They’re a bunch of goth dudes who live in Italy and keep Dakota Fanning around to do creepy shit with her mind. Pissing them off is pretty much the only way a vampire can die.

Well, that's about it. Now it's time for your...

Comprehension Questions

  1. Who is the most irritating character in The Twilight Saga?

  2. Why are the Native Americans more awesome than the sparkly metrosexual vampires?

  3. Who has the illest moustache in all of The Twilight Saga?

  4. What stupid crap does Bella Swan’s name mean?

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