7 Worst Moustaches In Recent Film And Television History

Kevin James (Paul Blart: Mall Cop)

Is that real? Or prosthetic? We can’t tell. If the former, someone needs to tell Kevin James never to do that again. If the latter, have Columbia throw down for a nicer one next time. We shouldn’t have spent 90 minutes staring at Kevin James’s upper lip, we should have spent it bitching about how the movie wasn’t funny.

Dr. Phil

Dr. Phil is a total asshole. And now, thanks to me, he’s been mocked on the Internet for the first time. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Dr. Phil! Your moustache sucks!

Brian Dennehy (Assault on Precinct 13)

Ok, but seriously — whose brilliant idea was it to remake this movie in the first place? I mean, we love saying Brian Dennehy’s name and everything. His tear-jerking performances in Lifetime movies have made us all into fans. But we can’t for the life of us figure out who wanted to remake one of the best John Carpenter movies ever into… whatever the hell this is. Also, his moustache has all the reality of a ghost. Who’s letting these guys go on screen with moustaches? Please come forward and identify yourself so that we can garrotte you.