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Roman Polanski Reviews 'Hannah Montana'

POSTED BY Roman Polanski | TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 29 AT 10:24 PDT 
General - Movies

In May of 2009 Screen Junkies received an unsolicited review of Hannah Montana: The Movie from famed director and noted statutory rapist Roman Polanski. Due to current events we have decided to run the review in its entirety.

Hannah Montana: The Movie is like an erotic daydream dealing with lust, taboo, and human nature. On the surface the film is a simple morality tale, but its depths surpass understanding. Over the past month I have watched the film more than 30 times, and I have analyzed it shot by shot. But the more clearly I see its physical manifestation, the more I am stirred by its erotic mystery.

The film opens with our middle-aged hero, Robby Ray Stewart (Billy Ray Cyrus), sitting in a changing room, staring longingly at a blonde female wig. Like Citizen Kane’s “Rosebud,” or the green light at the end of Gatsby’s pier, the object represents the protagonist’s deepest wants and desires. But what exactly is it that our hero desires?


 

Enter Miley Stewart (Miley Cyrus), a charming brunette nymphet in her early teens. Like most girls her age, Miley is trapped in a sexual purgatory; she has the innocence and wonder of a child coupled with the budding desires and feminine charms of a woman.  

Before long, Miley makes her way to the changing room where Robby is impatiently waiting. Perhaps excited by what is about to transpire, he fidgets with his phone and anxiously begins to pace. His nervous energy becomes too much for young Miley to bear, and Robby is asked to wait outside. Disappointed, he complies with the young girl’s request.   

With Robby gone, the metamorphosis begins. Using a large makeup kit and the aforementioned wig, the innocent girl we know as Miley transforms into a raw, sexual being known as Hannah Montana. The change is remarkable, and at once we understand Robby’s unrequited desires. The man is deeply torn by the sexual duality of Miley and Hannah. How can the girl be both innocent and seductive; pure, yet prurient? The point is cleverly driven home as Hannah takes the stage to sing her hit song, The Best of Both Worlds (Lyrics: You get the best of both girls).



Corporate greed, the cult of celebrity, urban sprawl, the concept of self: all of these issues and more are thoughtfully debated in the film. Yet all of these issues take a back seat to the topic of sexual desire and American morality as exemplified by the relationship between Robby and Miley. The sexual tension is palpable, and all but boils over when the young girl confesses her love to the older man through song. Yet neither is able to act upon their feelings since doing so would ruin their lives, or at the very least cause a huge inconvenience and limit their mobility to certain countries.

If the film has a flaw it’s that the eroticism, though prevalent throughout, is too subdued. Studio pressure for a “G” rating prevented the director from showing even the slightest bit of Quaalude-induced non-consensual sodomy. However, the subtlety speaks volumes. After all, much like his characters, the film’s director has fallen victim to society’s sexual hypocrisy.       

 

 

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  1. Says:
    September 29th, 2009 at 10:49 pm Nice article. It's interesting to see that only the comedy web sites are holding this douchebag accountable while the rest of Hollywood tramples itself to tell us how wonderful he is and that ass-raping a 13 year-old isn't so bad.
  2. Says:
    September 29th, 2009 at 11:09 pm he didn't rape her, dumb ass. consentual sex is consentual sex.
  3. Says:
    September 29th, 2009 at 11:51 pm Because it's consensual when you've been liberally dosed with quaaludes and champagne... and you're only 13... and you keep begging him to stop and let you go home... Moron.
  4. Says:
    September 29th, 2009 at 11:51 pm Hey - why is Anonymous contradicting himself? BTW, he drugged the girl, then raped her. In any case, a 13-year old is not old enough to give consent. Dumb ass.
  5. Says:
    September 30th, 2009 at 12:22 am Degenerates will never get it; it’s in their liberal genes (unless the deed is done to them or theirs. Only then does it become a “big deal” and then they scream and squeal. And scream and squeal they do!)…
  6. Says:
    September 30th, 2009 at 01:16 am pedophile polanksi should be jailed.
  7. Says:
    September 30th, 2009 at 02:12 am He's a creep. Her parents were very irresponsible as well. If I was her parent I'd have beaten him to death with his own camera.
  8. Says:
    September 30th, 2009 at 02:57 am In Polanski's defense, although he did rape a 13 year old, he THOUGHT he was raping a much older child. Closer to 13 and a half, I think.
  9. Says:
    September 30th, 2009 at 04:25 am "What's better than having sex with a 13 year old virgin?", Roman asked me. I thought about it and said, "I don't know." He responded, "Me neither."
  10. Says:
    September 30th, 2009 at 07:58 am Hey anonymous guy who believes Polanski thought she was older and that therefore this was somehow okay: She was there to do a photoshoot with him. Mom had to sign release papers allowing her to do this. These papers explicitly stated her age as 13. But all this is sideshow. The offense is so obvious I can't help but wonder why you choose to defend it. She was drugged and made drunk. Despite these attempts to make her pliant, she refused his sexual advances at every turn and begged to go home. And he raped and sodomized her anyway. Tell me how this is acceptable.
  11. Says:
    September 30th, 2009 at 08:39 am "Hey anonymous guy who believes Polanski thought she was older and that therefore this was somehow okay" He was kidding, you dumb fuck. Re-read it. "he THOUGHT he was raping a much older child. Closer to 13 and a half, I think." Joke!
  12. Says:
    September 30th, 2009 at 11:58 am Well everything is different in the new Obama age. As Obama proves by hiring for one of his Czars, a man who as a teacher condoned and encouraged a young boy to have sex with a grown man and even bragged about it later in a recorded interview. So...you see...now: up is down, right is wrong, wrong is right...and on and on. Papa Ray
  13. Says:
    September 30th, 2009 at 07:12 pm aLL DEMOCRATS ARE RAPISTS. tHATS A FACT.
  14. Says:
    September 30th, 2009 at 07:38 pm Hello once again, GAF! Sinatra, here. I will confirm the facts of the situation once more for those who insist on keeping their heads in the ground. The official record may not state that the psychiatric stay was his sentence, but this was agreed to be the case by both sets of lawyers and the judge, who later tried to, as my friend puts it, double-cross Polanski. Those who go by the official record can never again say that Polanski sodomised and forcibly raped a 13 year old girl, for that is not what he officially pled to. We know that he committed that crime, just as those with common sense know that the judge was treacherous scum and thought Polanski to be beneath the law. We will not let the American “justice” system get away with two crimes. Who will care 30 years later? Not the victim, who wants this thrown out. Not Polanski, who has spent a deal of those 30 years punishing himself for his crime. Not the judge, who the rightful arm of death has seen to. Only the incompetent district attornies trying to save face after letting a man slip away for 30 years care. They belong to the same treacherous system that caused him to flee. They’ll care, as I suppose Pristine_Condition, Laserbeam, and Macodin will. These snivelling parasites of humanity will be wiped out in due time. Polanski served his time and he is now and forever FREE! He is an artist, and artists are above all others. They are the supermen of Dostoyevsky and the upper caste of Metropolis! Rejoice, fellow justice-seekers! America will never get their hands on Polanski. That is a guarantee! You’ll just have to suck it up, GAF. You’ve been defeated again. And another kick to the face, dearest children. No one who supports him will be shamed, blacklisted or otherwise shunned. They will emerge victorious and more poweful than ever after this ordeal, unlike America.
  15. Says:
    September 30th, 2009 at 08:01 pm What dies GAF mean? And I can't tell if the person who wrote it is for or against the rapist?
  16. Says:
    October 1st, 2009 at 09:33 am Rape isn't a crime, but pirating movies is.
  17. Says:
    October 1st, 2009 at 01:03 pm "he didn't rape her, dumb ass. consentual sex is consentual sex." You can't spell consensual even with spell check, let alone know what it means. Kids are given special status because they're f"ing retards dude.
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