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Road to Oscar: Best Actress Showdown

POSTED BY Ronnie Pudding | TUESDAY FEBRUARY 9 AT 9:17 PST 
General - Movies

Today we pit our top contenders for the Best Actress Oscar in the metaphorical pudding pool for a bikini-clad, chocolate-treat-slathered Battle Royale from which only one shall emerge the victor.  As if that imagery wasn’t disgusting (and sexy) enough, consider that this year’s top dogs form an unholy three-way culled from the deepest depths of lesbian porno hell: Front runners Meryl Streep (Julie & Julia) and Sandra Bullock (The Blind Side) along with our dark horse (did I just write that?) Gabourey Sibide (Precious: Based on the Novel bla bla bla bla bla). 

MERYL STREEP

Let’s face it: All Meryl Streep needs to do to get nominated for an Oscar is show up on set. Hollywood’s grand dame has been nominated 16 times and already has two Shiny Gold Dudes for her prodigious award mantle. She could do a regional K-Mart commercial and still be the talk of awards season. She could do a one-line walk-on in a Larry the Cable Guy movie and sweep the Golden Globes. But that doesn’t necessarily guarantee her the Academy Award, does it?

PRO: Thanks to the Food Network, cooking shows are sizzlin’ hot (zing!).  So Streep’s turn as Julia Child was well-timed.  And while Julie & Julia probably won’t even rank in the legendary actress’ Top 10 performances, Streep has been getting deserved nods for revealing the depth and complexity hiding beneath the iconic chef’s apron (thank the gods that’s the only thing hidden beneath Julia Child’s apron that was revealed).

CON: Unfortunately Streep only accounts for half of Julie & Julia’s two-tittied titular characters.  And while her performance was impressive, it did not make up for the dreadful “Julie” segments.  Dear Hollywood: Bloggers do not make interesting fodder for movies.  See: Tucker Max’s I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell.  Okay, there is one exception to this rule -- me -- but that’s because I moonlight as a kung fu ninja assassin for the Dutch government, not because I write snarky quips for the internetzes.  Believe me, there is nothing at all entertaining about me in my Ben and Jerry’s stained tighty-whities, typing rape jokes between sips of Steel Reserve; it’s just sad and pathetic.  And while the adorable Amy Adams did give the role of food blogger Julie Powell her all, she’s still the proverbial albatross around Meryl’s neck.

SANDRA BULLOCK:

When we look back on 2009, we will likely remember it as the Year of the Bullock.   After phoning in 2007’s dreadful Premonition, the actress seemingly disappeared, presumably banished to the same island where Ashley Judd forages for berries.  But last year Miss Congeniality came back with a vengeance and somehow managed to garner both a Razzie Nomination (for the abominable All About Steve) and an Oscar nomination in the same year.   Which raises an interesting question: Is it possible that Bullock might actually be both the best and worst actress of the year?

PRO:  Bullock seemed to take a shotgun approach to winning the Oscar.  If she stars in EVERY movie that comes out in a given year, she’s bound to win for something, right?  In all fairness, she did receive some good reviews for her work in The Blind Side, being called “unusually watchable” by one critic, “surprisingly pleasant” by another and “not at all making me want to jam a fork in my eye” by yet another (me).

CON:  This is Sandra Bullock we’re talking about.  She specializes in box office fluff aimed at eternally-single cat ladies -- usually opposite some equally generic hunkbot actor e.g. Matthew McConaughey.  It seems silly handing her a Shiny Gold Dude for the achievement of merely being less bland than normal.   It’s like awarding vanilla the Creamy Award for Best Ice Cream.  Sure, it’s fine when it’s scooped onto a slice of pie, but it’s still no Chunky Monkey (the flavor du jour staining my tighty-whities).

GABOUREY SIBIDE

Not only does Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire (pant… pant...) own the distinction of having the most annoying title, it was -- along with The Blind Side and Paranormal Activity -- one of the year’s notable sleeper hits.  But what most people don’t know is that it also provided one of 2009’s most popular Halloween costumes.  As a matter of fact I was at the DMV last week and even though Halloween has been over for months several of the employees were STILL wearing their Precious costumes.   Pretty impressive.  But was Gabourey Sibide’s performance equally impressive?

PRO: Sibide’s performance as the illiterate incest victim with a heart of gold was solid, if not mind-blowing.  But she does have a unique edge over her competition: Let’s face it, it’s not like Sibide’s going to be top-lining summer blockbusters next year.  She’s a morbidly obese African-American woman.  No one’s casting her opposite Brad Pitt in the next Doug Liman actioner.  Outside of the occasional Oprah Winfrey Network movie-of-the-week and Tyler Perry cameo, Precious may be her lone moment in the spotlight.  And I believe the Academy will reward her accordingly.  When she’s selling Mary Kay ten years from now at the very least she’ll have a Shiny Gold Dude by which to remember her Walhol-prescribed 15 minutes.

CON: She’s up against Meryl Streep.  Still, for the reason stated above I think Sibide will pull off the upset and take home the Oscar. Streep already has more Academy Awards that she knows what to do with and likely has not won her last.  But unless Martin Scorsese decides to adapt The Jeffersons for the big screen and hand-picks Sibide to be his Weezy, this will likely be her only grab for the gold.  She deserves it just as much as her competition, but the distinction will mean a lot more to her.  And I believe the Academy will recognize this fact and reward her accordingly. 

ADVANTAGE:  GABOREY SIBIDE

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  1. Says:
    February 12th, 2010 at 08:13 am Oh wow, I think you make some VERY good points. Well done. Whats that Starr chick doing in there I wonder?? Jess www.online-anonymity.cz.tc
  2. Says:
    February 16th, 2010 at 07:04 am You biased & racist asshole !? How dare you think that JUST because Gabourey is as you say a " morbidly obese African-American woman", that she'll never make it far in Hollywood ? Oprah Winfrey is very much African American, and WAS morbidly obese ; even if she has no rhythym and LOOK where she is today. Someone told her that she would never go far in the Industry too. Looks like she has had the last laugh...Gabourey is educated, intelligent, kind, & smart she can do anything that she pute her mind too. Who's to say that she's NOT trying to lose the weight ? Her weight/talent got her the role...Not every role calls for a sized 3 Barbie-Beyonce type ? You sure did set the bar pretty low for her with your half-assed comments. Thank God Gabby has the RIGHT people in her life , with the right connections that believe in her talents. Lastly, I would like to see you wipe the egg off your face in ten years when Gabby will own stock in Mary Kay and not be a seller.
  3. Says:
    February 16th, 2010 at 08:32 am Do you realize that the Academy is a compilation of directors, producers and actors who vote on the awards? The performances are what matters not their race or physicality. Yes, Meryl has more than enough but that shouldn't matter; Sandra may have done "box office" fluff, but so did Katherine Hepburn and she has four Oscars; Gabourey's performance was exceptional but she shouldn't awarded so she can have her "15 minutes". Obviously, you are not aware that the Oscar race isn't a popularity contest but an acknowledgment for a performance well done. For the record, Geena Davis, Mira Sorvino, Marisa Tomei and others are known for their "fluff" but they all have an Oscar. Would you take that away? Why don't you do your research instead.
  4. Says:
    February 16th, 2010 at 08:52 am Gabourey will never ever ever never ever be a movie star. The one and only picture will be the depressing "Precious". What possible role could she play in any other movie other then an homely, fat black woman on welfare. Let's face it...she didn't have that much of a dialog in the movie to begin with. Ummm...why is it that most black fat women on WELFARE look like they've never missed a meal in their lives? If that depressing movie wins best picture of the year...I'm finished going to any more movies. Now, Mo'Nique, on the other hand, deserves and WILL win the award she was nominated for. She was awesome. To bad it was for such a "downer" of a movie she was nominated in.
  5. Says:
    February 16th, 2010 at 08:58 am I agree 100% on what a depressing movie "Precious" was. Everytime Gabourey appeared full screen I stopped eating my popcorn. Horrible movie. And your right...she sure as hell didn't miss any meals to say the least. The dvd, when issued, will only be in widescreen format. And I mean "wide" screen.
  6. Says:
    February 16th, 2010 at 09:02 am You can meet Gabourey in person, live at "Big Mama's Pizza Palace" in LA. She's there for a "quick" snack between....noon and 5PM...non-stop.
  7. Says:
    February 16th, 2010 at 09:49 am Let's talk racism in Hollywood. A good friend who is a talented African American actor recently had a meeting with Halle Berry's management firm. He is a very good looking, Ivy League educated guy. They had the nerve to tell him that there is no place for a black man of his type in film or TV and that he'd be better off hosting a "style" show. In other words, had he been more thuggish and spoke with bad grammar, then they would have an interest in representing him. So people, until we all get "real" about the racial disease of our short existence here on earth and how it impacts us, we are all victims in more ways than you know as you read this. It is time to wake up people. It isn't funny.
  8. Says:
    February 16th, 2010 at 10:11 am why is it that most fat white woman on welfare look as if they haven't missed a meal. Go visit a trailer park you racist!
  9. Says:
    February 16th, 2010 at 10:43 am Gabourey Sibide deserves an Oscar hands down! I understand she has had no training (I'm not 100% sure of that statement), and that this was her first role. The most amazing thing that lets me know she was really acting is when I listen to her speak when she is not acting. Her diction is good and clear, and absolutely nothing like the diction or tone she used in the movie Precious. When I see her speak when she is not in the movie, I think, "wow, she did a great job". I have to say though that the comedian/actress Monique really deserves best supporting actress moreso then any of the people in any of the categories. Monique was scary in the movie Precious, and I've always seen her as a funny, positive and outgoing person, so to see her transform into such an ignorant psycho type of character, I discovered she can really act.
  10. Says:
    February 16th, 2010 at 12:49 pm No one in a first role deserves to take home an oscar. Give it to Bullock, she might not be the greatest actress, and I'm not a fan of her movies. But I think after you've been in films for a long time and have never won, you have to get an award for something to prove that you've really made it. Being in a billion fluff movies doesn't equate the power of an oscar.
  11. Says:
    February 16th, 2010 at 01:08 pm A lot of fat, white women are on welfare. The only difference between them and fat, black women on welfare is that the fat, black women has been on welfare since she/he was sucking on their mothers tits. And have never come off...welfare..that is.
  12. Says:
    February 16th, 2010 at 01:30 pm I think it is so sad that people are still so hung up on stereotypes in this country. So many comments talking about "fat, or black this". What should matter is the quality of work put into the performance not the color or size of the actress giving the performance. Nor should it matter whether this is the first or last role someone has. Whoopi Goldberg was considered not the most pleasant to look at for a long time in movies. She went on to have a wonderful career and a Oscar. We all bleed the same color blood people. Get a grip.
  13. Says:
    February 16th, 2010 at 04:08 pm Meryl actually doesn't have a lot of Oscars. That's a common misconception. In her 33 year long career she has just one supporting actress Oscar and one lead actress Oscar. That's far too few for the best actress we have. Her turn as Julia Child was magnificent. Don't make her wait another year.
  14. Says:
    February 16th, 2010 at 05:55 pm Whoope Goldberg is STILL considered not the most pleasant to look at.....what Ted Danson saw in her is anybodys guess. It sure wasn't her looks. I have to admit she is a tad better then Gabourey.
  15. Says:
    February 16th, 2010 at 05:58 pm Gabourey even beats out Whoopi as most unpleasant person to look at....not by much, mind you, but she does take the number one spot.
  16. Says:
    February 16th, 2010 at 06:02 pm How can you even consider Gabourey as best actress. She didn't have that many lines/dialog in the movie to judge. Mo'Nique was the one that stood out in the entire movie. She will WIN best supporting actress for her part as the bitch mother. Awesome acting!
  17. Says:
    February 16th, 2010 at 07:41 pm I don't blame you for using the name Anonymous....I'd be to ashamed to use my name , if I were you...All blow and no Go...thats my name for people like you. I'm Stormy
  18. Says:
    February 19th, 2010 at 07:33 am Jerk...every posting is Anonymous. There's no place to enter your name or screen name on posting a comment.
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