This year marks the 40th anniversary of Woodstock, and the self-absorbed Baby Boomer nostalgia surrounding this “milestone” is enough to make the ghost of John Bonham vomit. To hear it described now, Woodstock was an event of biblical proportions where, somehow, almost a half-million people came together and peacefully co-existed…for three whole days! I’d like to point out that this happens everyday in Kansas City, MO, except with running water and an adequate amount of toilets.

In an attempt to cash in on the anniversary, Universal Pictures is releasing Taking Woodstock, a film that chronicles the origins of this overrated historical footnote. Instead of watching this pandering nostalgia porn, I’ll be dropping acid (starting now) and watching these 5 Hippie Movies That Don’t Suck.

Now, I should warn you that my landlord’s dog thinks I missed the point of most of these movies, but I think he’s just jealous because my baseball cap turned out to be rainbows. Oh God. STOP SHOUTING!

JOE

If you’ve ever wanted to watch a commune full of long hairs get brutally murdered, then brother, I’ve got a film for you.

Joe, starring the late, great Peter Boyle, is the story of a blue-collar worker and a high powered ad-executive who unite over their shared hatred of hippies. Sure, in the end one of the characters accidentally kills his own daughter, but you can’t make a dead-hippie omelet without breaking some eggs.

“Forty-two percent of all liberals are queer, that's a fact.”

BILLY JACK

Billy Jack is a lot like John Rambo, if Rambo was half-Indian and gave a shit about hippies.

In the film, a school full of sniveling pacifist types is terrorized by the local townspeople who, understandably, want them all dead. For some reason, this doesn’t sit well with Billy Jack, who uses all of his kung-fu bad ass-ness to protect the school. This film proves that it’s much easier to be a pacifist when you have a half-Cherokee, ex-Green Beret berserker on your side.

It’s worth noting that contrary to the title of this article Billy Jack does in fact “suck.” But the unintentional hilariousness of the film makes up for it.    

“I'm gonna take this right foot, and I'm gonna whop you on that side of your face, and you wanna know something? There's not a damn thing you're gonna be able to do about it.”

THE BIG LEBOWSKI

“Your revolution is over, Mr. Lebowski. Condolences. The bums lost.”

Arguably the greatest portrayal of a hippie in the history of cinema, Jeffery Lebowski (a.k.a. “the Dude“) is the man for his time and place. He fits right in there.

If you haven’t seen this film, I hate you.

EASY RIDER

A landmark counterculture film, and a "touchstone for a generation" that "captured the national imagination," Easy Rider explores the societal landscape, issues, and tensions in the United States during the 1960s. At least that’s what wikipedia says about it.

Personally, I think Easy Rider is little more than a bargain-basement rip-off of the Tim Allen/Martian Lawrence comedy Wild Hogs, with a funnier ending.

FEAR & LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS

“…a generation of permanent cripples, failed seekers, who never understood the essential old-mystic fallacy of the Acid Culture: the desperate assumption that somebody... or at least some force - is tending the light at the end of the tunnel.”

What’s so annoying about the Baby Boomers, the generation that brought us both of the Clintons and George W. Bush, isn’t the fact that they wanted to change the world for the better, it’s that despite all the evidence to the contrary they somehow believe they were successful.

At least Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas acknowledges the utter failure of the counterculture. Also, it’s a cool movie to watch while high.

Fear and Loathing: The High Watermark

Okay, you f**king flower child.  When you're not busy sticking dandelions in rifle barrels, what Hippie movies do you like to watch?!

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