It was probably close to three in the morning in your living room. You were six sodas and three gorditas deep with the volume turned way down on the set, anxiously awaiting some practical knowledge regarding the mysterious act of sex. From the scenes that put wisdom in your brain and a strain in your shorts, these were the moments that taught you more about getting laid than anything else. Here are some of the lessons you learned.

Porky's

LESSON: Don't be afraid to smell like a Dude.

Before Kim Cattrall was slutting it up on Sex In The City, she had a howling appreciation for the stench of the boy's locker rooms. It's not that Tinactin and Ben-Gay are aphrodisiacs. It's that girls like the way guys smell, and vice versa. It's one of the things that's kept the human race boning since day one. 

Weird Science

LESSON: You can't build a woman. So you need to figure out how the the real ones work.

Gary and Wyatt use their sweet hacking / collage skills to build a mega babe with their Comadore 64. So much for playing Bionic Commando in a pair of Umbros. In the end, the boys don't get any tail from their creation. It reminds us that science has not yet devised a way to create the perfect woman (not yet).  So we better learn how to work the ones around us.

True Lies

LESSON: Use words to bring out a woman's inner-sexiness.

Who knew a tape recorder with a cheesy French accent could turn Jamie Lee into a wind-up Strippo-Roboto?  Note to self: Hit up Radio Shack before the company holiday party, or at least prep with a few original lines.

Baywatch

LESSON: Sometimes women throw themselves at you. Learn to catch them.

Although the most watched television show of all time neglected to inform that the beaches of Los Angeles are filthy cesspools of trash and acoustic buskers, it did have its share of practical lessons regarding the opposite sex. Follow up lesson: fake boobs are totally awesome. 

Roseanne (National Anthem)

Lesson: Opposites attract.

Chicks don't want a guy who has more hair products than them (or shower gel with exfoliating aloe crystals). Conversely, guys don't really want a girl who is this into sports. And as an absolute, no one wants Roseanne.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Lesson: Go big, go home, or go online to find it.

“Anatomically Correct” is for medical textbooks. If you had to draw the same chick 1400 times for a minute of animation, of course the boobs would be bigger than the head. My point is this. Jessica Rabbit was basically the graphic interpretation of what what 99.9 % of dudes want to screw, and there is NOTHING wrong with that.

Splash

LESSON: Sexy, eccentric chicks are often the hardest to bone.

The issue of Mo' Mermaid, Mo' Problem has been covered throughout history. What it basically amounts to is this. Mermaids are sexy, but there's just no physical way to get your hump on. Sometimes you just have to set your sights on conquerable territories.

Y Tu Mama Tambien

LESSON: Let women feel in control of their sexiness.

As much as you like air-drumming to the Spin Doctors, surrender control of the jukebox to any woman. Have her choose where you're going to dinner. This is just speaking to a bigger point. Let women make the decisions on the smaller things, and play along when they're expressing their sexual side. It's better for both of you on the highway to bone town.

Fear (NSFW)

LESSON: Some chicks are turned on by thrilling situations. Accommodate this at all costs.

The original version of Wild Horses is from the Rolling Stones album Sticky Fingers.  "Graceless lady you know who I am / You know I can't let you slide through my hands / Wild horses, couldn't drag me away." My point is that if you are ever on a roller coaster with Reese Witherspoon and she wants you to finger bang her, you better sack up.

Wild Things (NSFW)

LESSON: Cover the little red recording light.

Memories and photos fade. Video has a much better shelf life. 

Fast Times

LESSON: Don't jerk off so much.

Yeah, It relieves stress and takes that edge off. But doing it too much is only going to decrease the amount that you get laid, and might even get you caught. Seriously, sometime that edge is exactly what you need.

Everything You Need To Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask)

Lesson: Getting laid is an incredibly complex process. Relax and go with it.

It helps to understand that the delicate dance between you and a woman you are trying to bed is a feat that involves a level of coordination and strategy you don't employ on a regular basis. Go with the flow, stay the course, and be prepared buy brunch. But let your body take care of the rest-- it knows what it's doing.

Lessons by "Sex Specialist" Buck Russell

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Jersey Shore Valentine's

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