 10 Vampire Movie FailsPOSTED BY Col. Hans Longshanks | MONDAY JANUARY 4 AT 2:50 PST
 Don't call me out on the grammar, Twihards. I didn't make the pic. There's no doubt that humanity has a overwhelming fascination with vampires, and Hollywood has taken advantage of this interest by churning out more vampire flicks than that Land O'Lakes chick churns out creamy spread. The latest one, Daybreakers, hits theaters this Friday, and I'm hoping against hope that it brings something new and unexpected to the genre. I dig the human blood bank premise and visuals from the trailer, and you can't really go wrong giving Sam Neill amber, glowing eyes. With that said, there are plenty of ways to royally F-up the world of immortal bloodsuckers, and few movies have taken great pleasure in doing so. If Dracula had a look at these films he'd be eternally rolling over in his grave (crickets, someone farts). Once BittenI'm all for a good dose of 80's cheese, but this film starring a fresh-faced Jim Carrey really pushes the boundaries. Whether she can help it or not, Lauren Hutton rocks the gap-toothed Madonna look, and the production design in her dungeon of horny vampire teenagers is plywood-tastic. Also, it's not cool to convince a dude you're going to go down on him only to turn him into a creature that has to sleep in your moldy basement. GayraculaThis one doesn't need much explanation. It's about a guy named Count Gaylord who stalks the streets of L.A. for the hunkiest victims to ever succumb to lust, as well as his enemy, the Marquis de Suede (okay, I'll admit that's an awesome name). Oh, and it's a gay porn, not B-roll of Tom Cruise as Lestat. Vampire in BrooklynWes Craven has NOT done it again! This movie is kind of like Gayracula in the sense that a horny vampire (Eddie Murphy) is stalking the streets for someone to sink his teeth, and more, in to. Only in this film he wants a partner of the opposite sex, and Craven isn't intentionally trying to make you feel like you're taking it from behind.Love At First BiteThis film sees the perpetually-tanned George Hamilton don Dracula's cape. Much like Vampire in Brooklyn (and 27.5647% of Eddie Murphy's films), the famous vamp moves to New York City in search of a bride. He finds his intended but is thwarted by her boyfriend, Dr. Jeff Rosenberg. He's the best vampire slayer/Lasik technician on the Upper East Side. And such a handsome dressah.Bordello of BloodIf you ever want to provoke Dennis Miller into a fist fight, just bring up Bordello of Blood. He probably used his earnings to beef up his Chomsky and Zinn libraries but at what cost Dennis? At what cost?? Perverts, however, may enjoy viewing to see a pristine Angie Everheart chew up the men and the scenery. And by pristine, I mean before she let Joe Pesci climb all over her.Van HelsingVan Helsing is the most headache-inducing in Stephen Sommers' long line of juicy, crap burgers. Try to follow this logic, if you can. The Vatican sends Van Helsing to Transylvania to kill Dracula so that he can't use Frankenstein's monster to bring his undead children to life but along the way he finds out that only a werewolf can kill Dracula so Van Helsing becomes a werewolf and kills Dracula and is then issued a werewolf cure as he kills Kate Beckinsale who he later sees really big in the sky with her ancestry because killing Dracula has freed her family from Purgatory. Really, movie studio? A grown man came into your office and said those things and you gave him $160 million??? It would be a far more feasible plot device if the only way to kill Dracula would be to lick his a$$hole. But Gayracula already beat them to it.John Carpenter's VampiresDecent premise, awful movie. In this John Carpenter bomb, a vengeful vampire slayer must retrieve an ancient Catholic relic that, should it be acquired by vampires, will allow them to endure sunlight. Otherwise their skin forms the qualities of their hunter, James Woods. Don't think Carpenter didn't know what he was doing when he cast this one. The Little VampireA lonely boy (the kid with Aspergers from Jerry Maguire) becomes best friends with a vampire. Mmmm hmmm. I've seen that Dateline before. If this weren't a kids movie I'm pretty sure it would end in a forced viewing of Gayracula, an arrest, Stockholm Syndrome, a therapist, a jail house pen pal relationship, a shanking, tears, and a suicide. If it weren't a kids movie. Dracula: Dead and Loving ItI'm a huge Mel Brooks fan, but this one simply will not do. I would have preferred Leslie Neilson playing Frank Drebin in this movie as opposed to Dracula. Sure, it wouldn't have made any sense, but at least it would have been funny. O.J. could have made an appearance too, maybe as a murderer/Rennfield. The Twilight SagaHey Team Edward, Jacob, and Bella, gather round, I have something to tell you. Real vampires don't sparkle. Please feel free to rip me a new asshole in the comments section.Today's Marquee LinksSexy Women's Basketball TeamOrder These BridesR2D2 Mr. Potato HeadSexy Tall Girls  
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January 4th, 2010 at 03:13 pm I think Gayracula is the one waiting to rip you the new asshole.
January 4th, 2010 at 03:48 pm twilight saga fuck!ng sucks!
January 4th, 2010 at 04:22 pm
Touche on the Gayracula comment.
July 1st, 2010 at 06:47 pm
sd
January 5th, 2010 at 09:05 am Wow amazing stuff dude. I like it. RT www.total-anonymity.at.tc
January 5th, 2010 at 09:07 am Wow dude thats incredible. How about that dude! RT www.total-anonymity.at.tc
January 5th, 2010 at 09:10 am REAL vampires don't sparkle? Really? What do REAL vampires do?
January 5th, 2010 at 09:17 am Obviously you never saw Bloodrayne 2 (consider yourself lucky)
January 5th, 2010 at 09:19 am John Carpenter's Vampires we a good film. Dont hate!
January 5th, 2010 at 09:21 am Suck your bloooooooooood! ...well they make girl parts tingle? /gg
January 5th, 2010 at 09:23 am Real vampires die in ash and fire
January 5th, 2010 at 09:30 am I only know one person who liked twilight over the age of 13. She is a 33 year old school teacher. She is fat and has a moustache. Need I say more?
January 5th, 2010 at 09:40 am You forgot LIFEFORCE too.
January 5th, 2010 at 09:42 am ......and The Vampires Assistant. John C . Reilly as a mysterious Vampire!? Come on. Stick to what you're good at, buddy.
January 5th, 2010 at 10:03 am Love at first bite is hilarious!
January 5th, 2010 at 10:06 am I was expecting to see the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer on here... I'm still surprised its not.
January 5th, 2010 at 10:07 am While they are not vampires in any mystical ways, twilight "vampires" are interesting because they are "vampires" that can leech the mind and soul of teenagers girls... My ex-gf was so fan she was reading them 24/7... How many vampires can suck your life away in the real world??
January 5th, 2010 at 10:07 am Haha Bloodrayne 2 sucks big bloody veins! John Carpenter's Vampires was okay, bordello o blood gots boobage
January 5th, 2010 at 10:15 am TWILIGHT SUCKS!!!
January 5th, 2010 at 10:16 am So many bad vampiremovies that you forgot to mention, but the one really missing in this piece is Buffy the vampire slayer. Man that movie bites big wind...
January 5th, 2010 at 10:19 am Bloodrayne 2? Let's not forget Bloodrayne, otherwise known as "Ewe Boll forgot how to make Contractions in normal English speech"
January 5th, 2010 at 10:36 am Reading the title of this article, I really was excited to hear someone give a good critique of vampire movies. However, most of the movies in this list are comedies with vampires in them. Save Twilight, John Carpenter's Vampires, and Van Helsing, these movies are not meant to be taken as a serious portrayal of vampires. Hence, they cannot "fail" as vampire movies. If you just wanted a reason to bash Twilight, you should do so. Don't try to mask it as a critique on bad vampire movies.
January 5th, 2010 at 10:44 am waiter this isn't blood this is tomato juice
January 5th, 2010 at 10:45 am buffy the vampire slayer is meant to have extreme cheese elements. it's better than 90% of vampire movies out there, imho
January 5th, 2010 at 11:00 am i'd through buffy in- even joss whedon doesn't like that movie and it was his concept! and can one really defend twilight. all mythology, sci-fi and horror should hold to the original metaphors that they were built upon. Twilight fails. if you don't like aspects of a creature already stamped into fictional existence make up your own!
January 5th, 2010 at 12:17 pm I think that true blood is the best series with vampires in it i mean it makes vampires bad ass again and it helps you forget twilight what more can we ask. I agree with other comments twilight is not a vampire movie its a teenage chick flick that has vampires in it and it is meant for teenie boppers hance the pg 13 rating.
January 5th, 2010 at 12:27 pm Other than the obvious misunderstanding of Van Helsing, spot on list.
January 5th, 2010 at 12:51 pm I would switch out Love at First Bite for Blacula.
January 5th, 2010 at 12:57 pm Gayracula looks like a thoroughly enjoyable family flick, I think I will watch this evening with the kids. Good Times.
January 5th, 2010 at 02:27 pm Everyone go watch let the right one in. Best vampire movie ever.
January 5th, 2010 at 02:36 pm so happy twilight made this list, its all crap
January 5th, 2010 at 03:36 pm little vampire should be left out for being a kid film (kid being 10 and under)
January 5th, 2010 at 03:43 pm i was disappointed to see John Carpenter's Vampires up here. i was expecting it to be bad, but it delivers. i would rather watch gayracula than twilight (which i endured for 40 minutes before turning it off)
January 5th, 2010 at 06:08 pm "Vampire's Kiss" wasn't on this list? I mean sure, it's HILARIOUS, but that wasn't the intention! If you haven't seen "Vampire's Kiss" I highly recommend watching it with some friends; 90% of the movie is laugh-out-loud funny, it's just that bad.
January 5th, 2010 at 07:51 pm I haven't watched those movies...and I hate to point this out, but I'm a spelling Nazi. And...it isn't grammar. It's spelling. Sorry. I know you didn't do it.
January 6th, 2010 at 05:47 pm Good Job! Buffy the Vampire Slayer is one of funniest vampire movies I ever saw thank you for not putting it on there. Paul Reubens (Pee Wee Herman) death scene still rates as the most over the top camp scenes ever, heck he was still dying during the credits!
January 6th, 2010 at 06:34 pm I'd rather watch gayracula than twilight, nuff said
January 7th, 2010 at 05:55 am i take it no one has ever seen the movie ankle biters... midget vampires in search of the one tall vampire...
January 8th, 2010 at 10:27 am Dracula 2000 pretty much sucked ass.
January 8th, 2010 at 12:56 pm what i don't get is people like the author of this article: No doubt a HUGE Buffy fan, who'd go on and on about how buffy is cool and edward drools. Let me make this clear: BOTH ARE ABOUT VAMPIRES! Edward fans and Buffy fans: To me, you are both in the same social misfit group together with emos and goths. OK?
January 8th, 2010 at 01:38 pm don't forget Mama Dracula(1980), while not the worst is was pretty bad.
January 9th, 2010 at 04:35 am As I read this article, the ad sponsoring the page is for the new vampire film "Daybreakers". Perfect.
January 9th, 2010 at 02:07 pm twilight sucks monkey balls
January 9th, 2010 at 08:59 pm Van Helsing is the BEST movie ever!
April 13th, 2010 at 04:01 pm
I agree!
January 10th, 2010 at 04:33 am Talk about fail. Vampires: Los Muertos with Bon Jovi was way worse than the first movie. Also, Near Dark. Now I lurv me some Lance Henriksen but that movie sucked it long and hard. The Forsaken, or Van Helsing Junior. Fright Night 2 and Blade Trinity should have been included as well.
April 24th, 2010 at 12:33 pm
to be honest twilight is probably the best out of all these films, its not realy about vampires its about romance, like the others im suprised buffy isnt on here or interview with a vampire <<(its a bit queer if you think about it lmao)